Support Systems: Mediums

When my husband passed away I did not have a note. I did not have a warning. I did not have any preparation that he was going to do this. I had shock. After all the planning that I did for the services and my time off from work. I still had nothing but questions remaining .

WHY? WHY? WHY? and What did I miss that killed him? How could I have stopped this?

A few of my long time friends suggested that I go see a medium. I had never done it. I did not want to made a fool of or taken advantage of. I just was not sure. Looming over me were the questions.

On April 19th after months of waiting (this person books 4-5 months out easily). I went to see this highly recommended medium (who does Reiki and psychic work too).

I just want to cut the suspense for you so that you can freely join the ride and hear the importance…. this was the BEST DECISION I MADE. This was a TURNING POINT in my grief journey. I am beyond thankful I went.

That said do your research on who you go to there are people who are not so honest in this industry as with any.

April 19th a Tuesday:

I went into her office and laid down on the massage table. She looked into my chakras and energy and found everything to be closed off. Normal for what I had gone through. She immediately noted I had been around significant amounts of loss. I said nothing.

The medium mentioned that two spirits had interest in coming through. She said one is male and one is female. The male is younger. I said nothing. *Secretly hoping she picked the younger male. She did. Immediately her head began to hurt badly and she right away asked did this person shoot himself and then as I shook my head no her throat constricted to the point where she could barely breathe. She knew. I knew. He died by hanging. Nothing needed saying. He showed her where he did it and quickly asked her to leave the house with him as he preferred to be in nature and outside. She described the view he showed her and it was our land creek and all.

When it came down to it there were many important things mentioned. I had questions but held them to the end or did not ask at all because I wanted this to be pure. I was worried to tip the answers. I was hot as can be while he was there and I felt a heavy presence around me like the air had changed.

He showed her a kaleidoscope of dark images. The inside of his mind and the dark thoughts that had been plaguing him. She mentioned this had gone on so long.

He expressed his love for me and apologized several times. He immediately wanted me to understand that it was not my fault at all. That this was his own view of things, it was in his head. He wanted her to tell me “it was his shit it was all my shit” and “his head was fucked up”. I remember her struggling to swear as she does not like to and his persistence to get me to understand with those words. He said I could not have done anything to save him. He did not have the words to tell me what was wrong. I could not have asked one extra question. Even if he had the words he was ashamed and would not have asked for help.

He thanked me for showing him love (which was similar to our wedding vows he wrote so that really stuck out).

When I did ask later why did you get so angry with me he showed her that he wanted me to turn my back on him for a long time so that when he left this would not hurt so much. He showed that I never did turn my back on him.

Besides some of the things that were poignant surrounding the suicide he provided clarifying small things that showed us married (symbol of two rings entwined) an image of someone with his same name that happened to be the medium’s son so that she could qualify to me who he was. He even made sure he mentioned things that I said out loud to other people (like when I was in the car with a friend telling me about where his parents have homes he showed those states to the medium).

Then he went into different areas of my life.

  • He asked me to watch out for one of our friends and I have since severed ties with him.
  • He mentioned he was glad that family had his things (especially the one with the watch he showed the image of the band). That was someone he was very close to. He showed my large family as warmth and that we kept him alive longer than he would have been.
  • He mentioned work would continue to open doors for me.
  • He was happy to have the chance to get some of this out. He was happy I came.
  • He expressed that he could not show me love and affection properly because he did not know how to and had not seen it growing up.
  • He expressed that I would find love again and he would make sure they were not a “scumbag” (which is what I used to call all the people I dated before him except for one guy).
  • He said I may have a daughter someday maybe.
  • He mentioned dates that would be important or turning points (september in NY)
  • He told me to live, dance , and be happy
  • He would see me in the birds and nature and he will be watching out for me. (He told me he comes a lot but I do not pay attention).

The way I understand it is that they “speak” in symbols, images, and show the story to the medium. She is there to interpret them for us. It is an amazing experience. Go in skeptical but open.

I went back to this same medium in June on the 22nd because she had an opening and I happened to be home. My husband came through but also said he wanted this time to be for me so that I can work on the other things like Energy, Chakras, and my future.

Year to Date I have seen 2 mediums 4 times. There is a lot of the same things and consistency in the messages. The first reading is the one I have highlight because it was the most comprehensive and the one that helped me move forward the most. I also saw the other medium I believe in May and then again on the 21st of July along with a lot of work on my energy.

  • Both mentioned it was his issues only not anything with me
  • Both mentioned finding love again
  • Both mentioned the possibility of a daughter
  • Both expressed that my husband was in severe and intense pain on this Earth
  • Both let me know he is in heaven and doing well and living in nature

I am withholding some information on here because it speaks to my future and affects others so I will not share that.

The day after the first reading I flew home and looked outside and the Cardinal was there for the first time watching out for me. He came again at the 6 month anniversary of his passing. Another time the day of the tattoo. He comes now and again to see and check on me but I know sometimes I am not paying attention.


My support systems in grief: Friends & Family

I found a few things to cling to that helped me get by. And believe me some days I am barely getting by. I was hoping I could explore each of these in separate blog posts (some I have previously like EMDR and some to come soon).

  • Friends and Family (a very small circle that grows smaller still)
  • My Dogs
  • Yoga
  • The words of my husband during two medium readings
  • Work
  • Resources mentioned previously like Therapy, EMDR
  • Grief podcasts/books/blogs/articles
  • Music and the creative mind

I guess when I thought in the past of support systems. I thought automatically of PEOPLE. I was surprised to see that when I was preparing this post that this was only one part of my support system. People have their own lives, feelings, grief from my husbands loss (in some cases), needs, thoughts, etc. Not everyone should or can be there for you when you need them. And people are so dynamic that you as the Widow often do not know who to even let in and when and under what circumstances.

I was on the phone w my friend we will call her S. I was telling her the latest and greatest (sarcasm inserted here) in the life of the Grief Waves Widow (aka me). I mentioned something to her about support systems, knowing who to go to when and for what and how exhausting even that navigation is. I mentioned how I would love people to come to me with their issues. I have one friend who seems to and I so appreciate the normalcy of that reciprocation of problems shared. For some reason people think Widows have lost all their faculties when they lose their spouse. I hate being babied, talked down to, placated, and overlooked. I see this happening in my volunteer work where I do not even get asked things anymore because of what happened. Anyways… S reminded me that while I was complaining about how someone does not come to me for help and I would like them to versus a one-sided friendship. I really want this person to share themselves with me too because then I feel we are there for one another. She said well “aren’t you the pot calling the kettle black”. She said that even in grief I still struggle to go to people for help and support. And as much as I wanted to say that it was not  true it is. I am most comfortable helping others. I am very uncomfortable seeking advice and getting help for myself. And as time is marching on I am getting more and more quiet.

So far my biggest need for support from people has been in two areas. First, listening/being present with me when I am sad, confused, lonely, or broken about the loss of my spouse, life.  Second, helping me care for my animals when I take a couple of days to unwind at my parents house or when I have to travel for work which is often.

The share need to rely on other people makes me uncomfortable. I am usually considered by people to be very independent. This is the first time in my life I have had to admit that I need help. I hate this. I hate that my independence and strength has turned into insecure, unsure, and worse neediness.

When my husband was alive I took care of all the finances, made the big decisions, handled the household, the gift giving, the doctor’s appointments, the dinner plans, the date nights, hiring services for the home, the home building process, the home selling process, the cars, etc. He did not like to do any of this. I think we know why now if your following the blog, depression along with the fact that he was taught growing up that no matter what opinion you have it is probable that you are going to be wrong and jumped on. He stopped giving opinions and making decisions long before me because I believe he saw that this was not well received in childhood. He made mention of this to me several times in his life. I on the other hand was looking instead for a companion to share these tasks and this life with. It was a little overwhelming sometimes to do all that but I did it to make him happy, and because I knew decision-making, phone calls, handling things created anxiety for him. Someone may say well at least you were prepared to live alone, while that is true I am more prepared than someone who does not know where the coupon drawer and tax receipts are,  I never wanted this. And while it is true that I have the skill set of home management,  after grief loss you are so tired. There is even more decisions and things to handle than before and now you do not even have someone to talk to about it or bounce ideas to.

The scary truth about relying on people

  • They too are in grief over your same loss (in some instances)
  • They have never walked in your shoes (and do not know how to handle this)
  • They have walked in exactly your shoes (or so close to it) in their own grief loss you do no want to bother them and make them relive it
  • They have a life outside of you and you are afraid to call on them and take them from their families and spouses and children.
  • People give opinions which is good and bad depending on what you need and who they are
  • People want to fix things they cannot, answer for things they do not understand, apologize for things that are not remotely their fault, take pain away that they did not cause and this is all because they are being so good to you. They hate seeing you hurting. The fact is no person can really help you grieve can they?
  • Sometimes you let the wrong person in. If someone in your support system feels wrong, is there for the glory of saving you, wants to find empathy from your spouses loss (and yes this happens), or is there to keep you down…. identify them and let them go. I cannot tell you how quick you will see through this in your new no bullshit attitude. There are people who love to kick you while you are down. Do not become their doormat. Cut them loose fast.
  • Ah and my favorite pitfall… when you find a person you feel you want to go to the most, allows you to live again, allows you to feel like maybe you are a person again. They care about your well-being seemingly and you start to care back. Someone who was really just being a friend to you, but at some point you thought maybe just maybe it could be more. A small piece of your heart breaks away because of course silly they were just being your friend. If this person was only placed in my life to wake me out of the cold despair of what felt like another life ready to be over. Then that person has done something remarkable, making me smile and laugh when I didn’t think I could again. I am fragile, I am aware, I am here. I hear you. I respect your feelings. I do not like them but I think I understand them.

The positive side of relying on the RIGHT PEOPLE:

  • They only want what is best for you
  • They are rooting for your success
  • They are contacting you because they want to be helpful so continue to let them in
  • They truly hope that from tragedy you will find resiliency and love again
  • They know you were dealt a raw deal becoming a young widow and that you are shocked (in many cases they are too)
  • They may say things wrong sometimes but they are trying
  • People who walked in your shoes do get pained by reliving their grief loss story but they are willing to walk with you because they know what you need (selfless)
  • You have a small thread of hope (really tiny almost imperceptible because you were told no) that maybe by some chance that friend could see you as something over time. And this small thread means you have considered living, maybe even using your heart that you thought was black, and possibly finding love again. Hopes, desires, dreams are not completely lost after-all. A few months ago you thought it all died with your husband.

Thank you to my brothers, parents, and close friends (old and new) because even with all that said about the potential pitfalls above the fact is PEOPLE are very critically important to the grief process.  I am forever grateful. I am humbled by those of you who act as my driftwood keeping me afloat in the waves of grief. Some of the inner circle are those I would have expected to be there in tragedy and some are those I never would in a million years think would be there.  To each of you I will be here for you always and hope that you know that. Please start coming to me with things because I do not like being the Grief Waves Widow that no one brings their issues, happiness, and life to.

I will try to learn to ask for help without feeling weak or needy if you will try to let me help you too.