One Year

Matt was a handsome, intelligent, friendly, quiet, and amazing man. He loved me immensely. I was his other half, we were a team, we were the best of friends. Our relationship started off as colleagues, roommates, and best friends before it grew to be love. I know this is why we were so successful for so long at being together and sharing our lives. We were opposites in almost every way possible. But we shared common morals, family lives, and loves like reading/eating/beer/sports/smoked meats/friends. I cannot fathom that it has been a year since I have tasted Matt’s amazing smoked tenderloin on the grill. How has it has been a year since we have held hands or embraced? How has it been 365 mornings without him on this Earth. How have I survived this intense loss?

I lost my best friend one year ago. Oct 21st 2017 is when I know he passed away. His certificate says Oct 22nd 2017. I have reflected a lot on the loss of my husband over the past year. I have looked at his passing from every angle possible. Trying to understand why, how, when, and what I may have missed. I have gone to therapy and went through EMDR for my post traumatic stress. I have shared his story one on one, on the blog behind an anonymous shield, and in countless support groups for Widows.

One thing that I have not done been is publicly open about the circumstances of his loss. I chose to wait to reveal this publicly for several reasons. One, I was still processing everything myself. Two, Matt was an extremely private man and I was very concerned with revealing what is his biggest secret. Three, I wanted to be sure when I posted this that I was prepared for the people who will ask for my help, ask me tons of questions, find themselves in this story, or find their loved ones in this story. I am telling his story today because Matt loved good people and was always there to help someone in need. This may be the best way Matt could help. Telling Matt’s story will help to erase the stigma, create a safe space for men and woman to discuss mental health, and maybe even save someone else.

This is not something that will be easy to read and I urge you to consider passing by his story if you do not wish to know what happened to Matt or feel that the story may be too upsetting for you. I feel that telling it today is the right thing.

For those that follow the blog this is a reposting of October 23rd 12:30 AM:

It was a normal busy week filled with work, business trips, meetings, etc.
We had just moved into our dream house. He had a new position he was very excited about. My flight was a little delayed and the bags simply would not come. Saturday evening turned into Sunday morning, as I excitedly drove him to see my husband and fur kids waiting for my arrival. The entire day I had tried to reach my husband on the phone sending calls, texts, and pics. He was not the biggest fan of the phone and often left it in the car or did not hear it. Nothing of concern just a normal day for me.
HAPPY

I came into the driveway the house was pitch black with no lights on outside either. I thought this was odd being that I was coming in so late at night/early in the morning. I quickly got my things from the car and unlocked the door announcing happily “Honey, I’m home!”. SILENCE, Dogs barking excitedly outside at this hours… strange… screen porch door propped open… strange. Cell phone on the counter. Next came 30 minutes of blind panic, running through the house yelling his name. As each moment passed the fear became more real, the worry escalated, I was certain someone took him. His keys, car, and wallet were placed in their proper places. I raced inside and outside looking and screaming. PANIC and FEAR

After 30 minutes I entered a very dark attic that I thought to enter at the last moment. What I saw I will not describe to you because I feel like it is a trigger for others with PTSD and Trauma. Suffice it to say my husband had taken his own life. I did not realize at first what I was seeing… my body left me and something grabbed hold of me to propel me forward. I was screaming what are you doing in here this isn’t a funny Halloween joke. And then I touched his hand and I knew. My heart stopped, my life changed, my love was gone.
HORROR and LOSS

The rest of the early morning had me giving directions to lost first responders while trying to keep myself from sinking deeper into the floor and the corner that I was now melting into. I answered questions, wrote out a report, and immediately was asked to give them a funeral home. I am 35 alone with no family in the state he was my family. Funeral homes are not something I am aware of. The police needing to take care of business while my entire world had crumbled to the ground was very difficult to understand. Thankfully by then we had woken a dear friend and she came to sit with me and helped.
I just wanted to turn back the time and it not be true. It was not true was it?
SHOCK and BARGAINING

Recounting this to you here has me crying very badly but I am no longer paralyzed by fear and panic when I retell the story.
EMDR and THERAPY

My dear husband took his own life after suffering from an unknown depression. He was in a pain I did not know about for what I now suspect was a very long time. Hindsight is 20/20 and there are things I now see with the knowledge I have picked up over the last year. Through working with a medium to speak with Matt after his passing, reading books, talking with my therapist, and a dear friend who has lived through similar pain; I have an understanding of what he may have been feeling, going through, thinking, or not thinking of. My husband was not selfish, weak, crazy, or abnormal. Matt was anxious, depressed, concerned, in pain, closed off, and tired. I do believe that Matt was doing all he could to self medicate, be ok, cope, and move forward with his life. I do believe that he wanted so very much to live and feel pain-free. I do believe Matt felt that my life would somehow be better without him. I do believe after working with the medium that Matt now realizes that he was so very loved by all who know him, especially his wife. I do believe that Matt has clarity as he has crossed into Heaven and he has awareness of how amazing he truly was, and how much we needed him.

Please if you feel that you or someone you know may be suffering with depression reach out for help.

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

Matt will live on in our hearts, memories, pictures, and videos. But he will also live on through my crusade to erase the stigma that keeps people with mental illness from seeking help. There is nothing wrong with a man (or woman) crying, asking for support, needing medicine to cope, or requiring therapy.

I hope me sharing the story of Matthew will encourage others to speak with their children, family, friends, about suicide, mental health, and the importance of kindness.

I love you Matt. I miss you. Thank you for watching out for me. I see you in the birds, I hear you in the songs, and I know you are encouraging me to continue forward and be happy. With love, your Wifey.   10-22-17

11.5 Months

I guess I am checking in on myself a bit but also trying to be there for others.

I am just under two weeks away from the one year anniversary of losing my best friend to suicide. It is still inconceivable. There one day and gone the next. On a phone call that morning and then gone that evening.

This week I travel for business for the 3rd week in a row. Next week I am home. The following week is dreaded. I still do not have a plan for what I will do and where I will be.

I have been busying my days with work, adult beverages, online dating apps, and chatting with my close friends over the computer.

As I close in on the year without him. I am trying to put into words how much I miss but it simply is bottled up. I miss his kindness, his presence, how much he loved me, his friendship, him all of him. I cannot dig deeper because when I do I flashback to seeing him. The flashbacks have been much more frequent lately. Trigger words like rope for example send me into tears. I am not avoiding thinking of him but thinking of him brings a lot of pain along with it. It is not easy to explain. When someone you love so much has brought you  both joy and immense horror how do you deal with that?

Reflecting on the person I am today. I am a shifted person. Instead of spending my time rescuing dogs I am instead trying to be there for people. Whether it be support groups, private messages with other widows, writing this blog, or lending an ear to a friend or family member in crisis (depression or otherwise). I am trying to be a better person, listener, support, and friend.

Suicide, depression, and anxiety are extremely important topics for me. I have had several friends talk to me about these topics as they relate to themselves, siblings, friends, etc. My eyes have been opened up to how pervasive depression is. I am grateful to those of you who have come to tell me your stories. To help me to shed light on what my husband may have been feeling. Those people know I will be there to help them if they have a bad day. It is now on my radar, you are on my radar, you matter, and you are loved.

If you are wondering if you may be suffering from depression please contact your doctor and get a therapist referral. Here are some of the signs of depression from Mental Health America. The hyperlink below will open up the website for you. I hope that we will continue to erase the stigma on mental health issues. Talking about it saves lives.

What Are the Symptoms of Clinical Depression?

  • Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood
  • Sleeping too much or too little, middle of the night or early morning waking
  • Reduced appetite and weight loss, or increased appetite and weight gain
  • Loss of pleasure and interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex
  • Restlessness, irritability
  • Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment (such as chronic pain or digestive disorders)
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions
  • Fatigue or loss of energy
  • Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless
  • Thoughts of suicide or death

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Special Announcement- Now active on Facebook- Grief Waves Young Widow Warriors Suicide Survivors Support Group

Grief Waves has decided to start an online support group called Grief Waves Young Widow Warriors Suicide Support. If this is you please join us!

This group was created as a safe place for Young Widow Warriors who have lost their spouse/significant other to suicide. Loss of a spouse at any age is hard, but adding the layers of unexpectedness and suicide is nearly unbearable. There are many grief support groups out there for Widows but not many deal with the younger adult and suicide as well. This is targeted so that we can get the help and support we need from each other. The group was created to discuss grief, loss, suicide, love, Widow Life, how to cope, therapy, EMDR, life Re-entry, resiliency, acceptance, and how to live and flourish after this loss. Welcome to this safe, kind, and accepting place we can ride the waves of grief together and hold each other up like pieces of driftwood.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/GriefWavesYoungWidowWarriorsSuicideSupport/

 

back-waves-coast

8 Months

Today it has been 8 months since my husband passed away. It feels like he has been gone even longer somehow. I forget so many of our good times and things about him already. The trauma has made it nearly impossible to remember. I was looking at photos and some video too. Hearing his voice and seeing him very happy is so jolting for me compared to the image of finding him. It is almost too painful to bare and I close the album for another day. I am home at my parents this week. I took several much-needed days off to try to relax and refuel. My happiness is seeing my family and old friends. I am quieter, more reserved, more reflective. I am probably not as much fun as I was but this is me at 8 months.

I feel like I have not been blogging about the suicide aspect as much as I should be. Suicide is getting a lot of attention these days in light of the show 13 Reasons Why. I am not one to watch the show. It is too much for me. However, I see both sides of the argument here. Some feel it glorifies suicide. Some feel it brings the issue of mental health, depression, and suicide out from behind the dark curtains of stigma and shame. I do think however it has brought the topic into many more people’s homes regardless of the show.

I see more people getting semi colon tattoos. Sharing their pain, stories, feelings about mental health. Maybe I see more because I have been through the tragedy of losing my husband this way. Maybe it is the positive side of social media, the connection we feel to our friends when we post our every thought and feeling. I think it is amazingly strong that people talk about their lives with honesty, share their good and bad moments, and provide us a window into their lives. Especially when the topic is depression, anxiety, mental health, medicine they take, suicidal thoughts, etc. For every person who opens up I believe we erase stigma more and more. I believe we have a chance at helping someone else who needs to be heard.

This is a great article and story about Oxford High Students and their approach to showing 13 Reasons Why NOT. Very impressive. I hope more schools will do this.

http://www.theoaklandpress.com/general-news/20170504/oxford-high-school-students-begin-project-called-13-reasons-why-not

As I sit here at the 8 month mark I still have not decided what my role could or would be in terms of suicide prevention. I want to help people by sharing his story. When I look backwards with the knowledge of his death by suicide I can now see things that went on for years and some things that went on the days or weeks before. Maybe this can be my contribution. Maybe something I put here will make you consider if your family member is suffering from depression, suicidal or dark thoughts. Maybe they will get the help they need. It is very hard to write them down but I hope they will help someone. I am sure I will continue to edit and add to this list.

  • nap taker which could last hours
  • often complained of headaches
  • insomnia and sleep issues
  • a general look of not listening/disinterest
  • gave away something to a stranger I thought was odd
  • found out after he passed that he bought a large gift for a family member and did not tell me about it
  • pulled away from me and often did not get the phone
  • stopped joining me for activities
  • carried his gun around more than ever
  • seemed to be nervous about things in the world, paranoia?
  • strange statements out of the blue
  • watching dark movies that upset me and would not change them
  • not affectionate or loving toward me
  • out of the blue planned a party of friends to come over the night before I had a huge business trip
  • clutter and stuff started to bother him
  • never made decisions or stated his opinions (learned behavior to survive his childhood he said)
  • anxiety for things like finding new job, interviewing, change
  • took many things personally that others would brush off
  • never able to forget a perceived slight or actual slight
  • a feeling he was not good enough (“you need a husband who goes out more”, “all I am good for and do is get you food”
  • he never let me in fully, he did not tell me things or open up
  • he saw I shared my heart, thoughts, and feelings with him and sometimes he seemed angry at me for being able to
  • an overall dark cloud that turned into a huge impenetrable boulder that slept between us and followed us around
  • finding pills after he passed that I believe was Trazadone (not prescribed to him and not used correctly is my guess) **** See withdrawal symptoms of Trazadone (dark thoughts and suicide)!
  • quick to anger, quick to upset
  • a feeling of walking on egg shells with him constantly
  • often took everything I said wrong and got angry or upset

 

With help suicide is preventable. But like with anything (addiction, mental illness, life) the person needs to want help and be honest about their feelings and suffering. When we are not aware we cannot be supportive. I hope that suicide continues to be talked about. Because as we remove stigma people will fee safer to discuss the topic and feel less shame in communicating their feelings.

A good description of Suicide from the website Project Semicolon

https://projectsemicolon.com

  • People who experience suicidal thoughts and feelings are suffering with tremendous emotional pain. People who have died by suicide typically had overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, despair, and helplessness. Suicide is not about a moral weakness or a character flaw. People considering suicide feel as though their pain will never end and that suicide is the only way to stop the suffering.
  • Many factors and circumstances can contribute to someone’s decision to end his/her life. Factors such as loss, addictions, childhood trauma or other forms of trauma, depression, serious physical illness, and major life changes can make some people feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. It is important to remember that it isn’t necessarily the nature of the loss or stressor that is as important as the individual’s experience of these things feeling unbearable.
  • Suicide is the result of actions taken to deal with intolerable mental anguish and pain, fear or despair that overwhelms an individual’s value for living and hope in life.
  • While there is a well-established link between suicide and depression, each suicide occurs in a unique mix of complex interconnected factors, individual, environmental, biological, psychological, social, cultural, historical, political and spiritual, including psychological trauma (both developmental and intergenerational).

EMDR

EMDR ((Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a technique used by some therapists to help us overcome traumatic situations, images, thoughts, or things affecting us from our past. This is something many PTSD patients find useful. I will explain it to you how I understand and interpret it but you should of course speak with your therapist and specifically one who does study EMDR for additional details.

I had never heard this term before the passing of my husband. Just something else new to learn and understand. My friend brought it to my attention as an effective technique for trauma patients either before or with talk therapy. It is “Tapping” into your left and right brain while you imagine a stressful, traumatic experience. When you go through something traumatic (finding your spouse deceased or combat where a fellow soldier is killed) that image is in the forefront of your mind. You cannot move past it or file it away in your memory bank. It is ALL encompassing. It is all you see.

Ways you can do EMDR:

  • Tapping on the body left and right by a therapist (bilateral stimulation)
  • Music playing in your ears left and right switching
  • Movement of the therapists finger left and right while you follow the finger

I personally chose the physical tapping. I felt that this would be most effective for me and following the finger seemed the most annoying for me. We did try all three techniques out.

I went into the office and we began with thinking of finding my husband passed away in the darkness of night. As I replayed the movie of the October 23rd experience I cried and cried like it was just happening again because for me it felt exactly like it was still happening. Everyday after he died and until the experience of EMDR I replayed the same movie repeatedly and experienced the same fear/shock/paralysis. In the evenings if I was lucky to close my eyes for a brief time I would find myself replaying again and I would be unable to move, get up out of bed, grab a glass of water, etc.

For me this treatment just worked. It worked fast. It blew my mind. It changed my mind. I was so in need of something to work. Everything was so new and raw and I had no preconceived notions on any of this. I replayed the torture of finding him and when that went away it was onto working through the words and statements he made in the few weeks before he passed away, the way he seemed distant and odd and dark. He made a few comments that I would not stop replaying over and over in my head. They killed every chance of me feeling remotely OK, even though there was no chance of that. Things like “you need a husband who goes out more” which was said to me while I was in the shower being happy. Then while we laid in bed with our dogs he said once “you all would be fine without me”.

It is not something that works immediately for everyone and also the degree and length of the experience, and how long ago the experience occurred all factor into how many times you need to replay the scene and go through EMDR.

When it works… you get your mind BACK. It is YOURS again. Now when you want to draw up the traumatic experience it is you recalling this from your memory. It is not sitting there hanging out in front of your face where you cannot push it away.

Please consider trying this. It is by far and away the best thing I did for myself in the early stages. I would still be laying in bed imagining him dead and unable to move if this was not something I did.

This image was posted by https://innerhealingresources.com/emdr/ and I thought you may find it helpful. 

 

 

 

 

 

Brain Scans before and after EMDR (this is something my therapist showed me to help explain what is going on up in the mind. Saved from

http://gulinaydin-msw.blogspot.ca/2012/11/brain-scan-before-and-after-emdr.html

Pause the Grief… and Hope

All I want is to smile, laugh, and to be happy again. Someone or something to make my mind stop questioning, wondering, and second guessing.

As you marry or have a serious relationship so much is wrapped up into your coupling. When 12 years is taken in the blink of an eye and unexpectedly so is the identity you have had.  I want to allow my new self to shine through because  while I am forever altered, this new self is a good person trying to live now. Different but still kind, affectionate, passionate, loyal, independent, strong, weak, compassionate, faithful, friendly, and emotional.

Another thing about grief loss is how self centered your forced to be. I am the caregiver and problem solver usually. This focus of others to fix or help me is just not normal for me. I do not like that. I prefer to be needed not needy.

I am looking for my certainty, confidence, self-worth, and especially my relevance. Where do you put this major part of you when the person you chose walks away (and yes I know he was not thinking of me, he was mentally in anguish and it was not rational)? Tired of being sad, worthless, and unneeded. The new girl is wanting to try live, to dance, hope, wish, and scarier still dream of happiness. Fake it until you make it seems to be what riding grief waves mean.

What has worked to help me PAUSE and HOPE:

  • Yoga
  • Writing
  • Painting and Drawing (and no I am not good!)
  • Time with friends
  • Distractions
  • My job
  • The trips planned back home
  • Reflecting on who I am now and trying to find a balance between strength, weakness, grace, and peace
  • The hope that there is something good coming out of tragedy

Some days are harder than others. I try to keep my spirits up. I want to feel anything but down. Take it away for a minute, hour, day. Need me. Let me in. Give me a chance. Show me why I am here.

Grief Connections

Thank you to Ashley Kratz. She is walking in a Suicide Awareness walk on June 17, 2017 in DC. They gave her the shirt for registering. She came to on an online Grief Group (Option B: Coping with grief) and asked for names of other loved people who we have lost to suicide. I offered my husbands name. This is the first public display of his suicide. It was intense to see his name listed there. I do not know Ashley but I am so blessed for her to do this kindness to a bunch of strangers.

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Letters from Months 3-5 anger, bargaining, depression

1-22-17 3 months and still raw

I cannot fathom how it is 3 months that you are gone. It feels like forever since we touched each other, kissed, heard I love you out of your mouth. But it feels like yesterday that I found you there lifeless. It is the most confusing, difficult, traumatic thing. I cannot explain the waves of hell I feel most daily. The physical and emotional pain is unbearable. I can only imagine yours was way worse as you suffered in silence alone and in pain. I am sorry you felt I was not someone you could open up to. I would have done anything to help you. ANYTHING.
I miss you today and everyday.
I have moved into a new house this past week. We have been busted our butts to get things in order and to also honor you in the meantime. Leaving our house was a must do. It was ours and I will never feel anything more for that space other than that it took you from me. I hated that I had to spend anytime there at all after you left me. I am trying hard to not be afraid but everything about this experience terrifies me so much. If I think about finding you too much; I can get close to a panic attack. I am trying to be gentle with myself but since that was my last image of you it is hard to not try to want to recall it. But the haunting image is the one I wish never to see in my mind, dreams, or life again.
Do you know now that I love you? Does it become clear now how many people are hurt and sad losing you. Do you know how many people wish they could have taken away your pain, been a person you confided in? It has been hardest on you for sure but we all feel pain. We want you back. We love and miss you.

2-18-17 When the Anger had set in…

I am so angry I could not write for a while. I just want to yell at you. How did you not consider me? How did you not know I loved you? How did you not see you were my world? How could you not tell me the issues you were facing? I would have done ANYTHING to give you help.
NOW we both lose each other. Forever. Dead. Forever changed. We lose.
You may be free but I am in torture daily.
WHY when it could have been worked on?
WHY
WHY
WHY
I miss you…
No goals, dreams or hope remain… I’m A Fraction of who I was, barely surviving.

3-7-17 Trying to accept but still shocked

I know I have not written to you as much as I should.
I am having a very hard time with missing you, sadness, loneliness. I worry that you died not knowing how loved you truly are. You meant more to me than anything monetary, the dogs, the cats, or anyone else in my life. I thought I told you and you knew but now everyday I question 11.5 yrs of my actions and words. I am so sorry for my failures.
Things are so hard. I am so TIRED all the time. I fake smile when I have the strength to muster that even.
I put time and effort into the decorating and shopping but it’s just to make sure I keep going. If it was not for the dogs and cats… I don’t think I would get up. It is hard to work a full day.
I am also struggling because I feel like there is a whole part of this that I cannot or won’t talk to out loud the way I probably need to. I am trying to respect your feelings, your privacy, your legacy. Too many do not understand suicide. As much as I read I still struggle to understand your frame of mind. I am so sorry that your time was so dark. I wish I could fix it for you. I wish you would have allowed me in. Told me you were considering hurting yourself that you were dark and in need of help. I would have moved the world to help you. I cannot get past the part that you died not knowing my love for you.
I know you made a comment that I would be fine without you. How wrong you are. I am a mess without you. I am in so much pain.
From my Facebook post:
The steps of grief and loss are like layers in an onion to me. The more layers you deal with (affairs, funerals, donations, anger, blame, guilt, trauma, fear, loneliness, stupid comments) the closer you get to the hard middle. The hard middle part is the true feeling of knowing he is gone forever and he won’t come back and we were both cheated out of many amazing years together. When that is what your left to focus on your true pain and tears come when they want to. This is the worst part.
I know I will never be able to make you proud of me. I failed you.

3-20-17 Time stopped for you.

Today I set my own watch:
Watches have played a role since you passed away. 3 of his 4 watches stopped and needed repairs since he died… The only one that worked was the one he was wearing when he left this earth forever.

Watches… oh it used to piss you off that I could not set my own watch. How I could not feel and hear the click one/ or click two in order to change the date and time. How a smart girl like me cannot set a simple watch on her own….

Today I set my own watch.

3-22-17    5 months…

Today I read through all of the letters that I have sent to you in the past 5 months. There was a resounding theme of wishing it could be different, bargaining, sadness, pain. It is sometimes hard to get through the day but I do my very best to try to keep a nice home, join in things, and honor your memory. You should be here. This should not be the new normal. My mind still has not accepted it fully. You should be here….

Oct. 23rd 12:30AM

Reliving this moment is not going to be something I go to a lot anymore almost 7 months later. It is critical that I tell the story once so you can understand what brought me to surfing grief waves.

It was a normal busy week filled with work, business trips, meetings, etc.
We had just moved into our dream house. He had a new position he was very excited about. My flight was a little delayed and the bags simply would not come. Saturday evening turned into Sunday morning, as I excitedly drove him to see my husband and fur kids waiting for my arrival. The entire day I had tried to reach my husband on the phone sending calls, texts, and pics. He was not the biggest fan of the phone and often left it in the car or did not hear it. Nothing of concern just a normal day for me.
HAPPY

I came into the driveway the house was pitch black with no lights on outside either. I thought this was odd being that I was coming in so late at night/early in the morning. I quickly got my things from the car and unlocked the door announcing happily “Honey, I’m home!”. SILENCE, Dogs barking excitedly outside at this hours… strange… screen porch door propped open… strange. Cell phone on the counter. Next came 30 minutes of blind panic, running through the house yelling his name. As each moment passed the fear became more real, the worry escalated, I was certain someone took him. His keys, car, and wallet were placed in their proper places. I raced inside and outside looking and screaming. PANIC and FEAR

After 30 minutes I entered a very dark attic that I thought to enter at the last moment. What I saw I will not describe to you because I feel like it is a trigger for others with PTSD and Trauma. Suffice it to say my husband had taken his own life. I did not realize at first what I was seeing… my body left me and something grabbed hold of me to propel me forward. I was screaming what are you doing in here this isn’t a funny Halloween joke. And then I touched his hand and I knew. My heart stopped, my life changed, my love was gone.
HORROR and LOSS

The rest of the early morning had me giving directions to lost first responders while trying to keep myself from sinking deeper into the floor and the corner that I was now melting into. I answered questions, wrote out a report, and immediately was asked to give them a funeral home. I am 35 alone with no family in the state he was my family. Funeral homes are not something I am aware of. The police needing to take care of business while my entire world had crumbled to the ground was very difficult to understand. Thankfully by then we had woken a dear friend and she came to sit with me and helped.
I just wanted to turn back the time and it not be true. It was not true was it?
SHOCK and BARGAINING

Recounting this to you here has me crying very badly but I am no longer paralyzed by fear and panic when I retell the story.
EMDR and THERAPY