Can I have a pass but keep the lesson?

I have rarely played the card. You know the one I am talking about folks. The dead husband card. The he died by suicide without any knowledge of issues card. You know that one that means you get out of something, you need to sit down, you need a nap, you need a break. I can recall on one hand how many times I pulled the card since he passed away Oct. 22nd. The number of times is 1. I had a day and I put myself to bed. I texted my boss and said I need to go to bed. He was truly surprised because I never say that.

So I ask you the reader, me the spouse who has been through a rough year, and my late husband too. Can I have a pass on this? I have internalized the lesson, identified the red flags, and know I will not fall for it again. I have learned. I do not want it to be the reason that good things don’t come my way, people stay away, or people judge me (including myself!).

I spent 5 weeks with someone I should not have spent more than 1 day near. Being that I did take so long to figure it all out I feel a little dimwitted, but really he was GOOD at his game. A true master of his craft. It took time to understand and figure out the truth. He is a uber charming, manipulative, chameleon so it took me some time to think through everything.  In that last week however I know and have been told by my friend that I should have gone the week previous. I know that now.

A few things I learned:

  • What someone says while drinking should not be given a pass but rather be considered as what they truly feel without the filter they usually have during sobriety.
  • When someone says the worst thing about you that you have ever had said in your entire life; you ma’am walk the hell away with your head held high. You do not allow anyone to apologize for that.
  • The idea of being alone again after being widowed will make you stay longer than you should in bad situations.
  • Being alone again is not so bad. Hell you survived finding your husband dead alone in the dark.
  • If you are with a guy who does not allow you to tell your story completely, he is not that into you. It is NOT him being considerate. He simply does not care.
  • Do not ignore all the bad things in the relationship, because a few good times does not outweigh the bad.
  • If the guy hates dogs. RUN!
  • If the guy seems angry even in the first couple of days. RUN FASTER!
  • If you ask the guy if he is trying to break you and if he is a narcissist and he does not reply… RUN FASTEST!

So I am asking for a pass. Call it vulnerability, call it loneliness, call it an aneurysm, call it whatever you want. I am asking can I play the card?

Don’t call me tainted, don’t say I am ruined, don’t think I am weak, don’t judge me for being less intelligent than you know I usually am. Don’t let this define what you think of me. Know he is a master at the craft, so do not think you would have seen it sooner. Know that this was NOT a real relationship but a lie induced interlude of lust. Know that now that it is clear that it was a fake relationship and I was being used it no longer means anything to me. It is like it never was.

What I hope for the future is to make an amazing friend who over time develops into something more. The two guys I had the best relationships with (husband and 1st boyfriend) were my best friends first. True feelings and love take time to develop. Being friends first allows you to get to know each other before the emotions and brain chemicals take over entirely.

Truth:

I worry that I will be taken advantage of again, or judged for my past, or be alone forever, but I cannot concern myself completely with these potentials very long. I must live every moment and be here now. I must meet people and develop the friendships I have been so lucky to have. I must continue to be strong and utilize my independence even more than I have.

The narcissistic sociopath has been blocked, deleted, and removed from my life entirely. So can we pretend it never happened? Do I get the pass and a clean slate? Can we pretend it never happened but with the clear wisdom to pick out these flags right away next time? I can.

 

 

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Open Letter to the NARC- no contact and anonymous blog means not showing him but oh so cathartic!

  • Your “best friends” name – Learn to spell it he is a better human than you can dream to be!
  • Crunchy PB is disgusting as fuck. I cannot even pretend to like it. I hate it with ever fiber of my being. I just tried it. I would mail it to you but you don’t deserve the supply.
  • You are boring as fuck. I love getting up and doing.
  • Our life consisted of eating, drinking, sleeping, you knowing, tv, coffee, VGs, and ….
  • I am the fun one! I do more in 1 day than you do in 1 week.
  • I hate you like I have never hated anyone
    • useless emotion but it is where I am sorry not sorry.
  • Your WHITE blanket is brown
  • But hey your cup is cool as Fuck! Love that thing. It holds the RBV so good when I turn it over.
  • Thx for the Cran Vodka I am enjoying it now on the rocks.
  • I have not consumed the last of the RBV only because shooting them w the 22 is going to be more fun.
  • J said thank you for the Crown Apple idea. She drank it all night at the show. We did not say as not to hurt your feelings since you had a bad night. But since you lie… and you have no heart… She will buy her own bottle soon.
  • Travis Scott thank you so much for him cannot wait for the new album to hit- I think it’ll be fire
  • I put the bunny slippers on hold babe…. I mean its hard to find 14/15’s for you and after all the temperature in here warmed up to a nice 72 the day you exited.
  • The dogs hopped in for their first ride in the new car. They loved it. C sat right on “your seat”
  • Oh all my friends hated you…. they forgot to tell me
  • FUCK YOU since I never got mean or mad or angry!
  • I am stronger, braver, and though I care so much more than I should about you, I am over you.
  • You aren’t all demon, I think I saw you once or twice. Scared, tired, falling asleep on me. Showing me things, sharing bits. I fell for that guy, be him for someone soon or
  • YOU WILL DIE ALONE without HELP… I cared. You made me go.
I will add to this I am sure as more things develop. Cheers and I wish you well because I am human with feelings. Get help you sociopath.

Grief does not end – A different Ocean can bring you more Waves!

I dipped my toes in the Pacific Ocean. I thought why not try. It was a different ocean than the one I have experienced before. Bright and shiny, outgoing, and FUN. It was bullshit and false, like fake boobs and bronzer based tans.

Did you think Grieving serious loss meant that someone else could not DIE on you? Oh they can! I am now grieving two more deaths from one man!

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Death of a spouse is ranked as the #1 Stressor. I am a 3 days away from 11 months without the man I vowed to spend my life with. I did not get a choice. I tried to continue a life in his absence. The effort and work a person puts in to get up again after unexpected and tramautic loss is nothing you could understand unless you had the unfortunate experience of endouring this hell. I wish this upon no one. Over the last few weeks I sparkled and found “happier” times. They were false, fake, and not meant to be. He would want me to be silent so he can continue preying on his next victim but this is my page and my life. I am taking back the silence, for once not listening when he tells me “be quiet”, “shut up”, “don’t talk”. He is a beautiful wreck of a demon. With eyes and a smile and lies that pull you to him, an ability to chameleon into what you always needed and then slowly remove the things you crave. He preys on woman who have real issues in their life. He will use you for money, food, or whatever other supply he needs. He uses each of his friends too. All of us have a purpose to fuel his ego. He needs serious help he won’t get. I am back everyone in WF and sorry that you had to meet such a fake. I am grieving the loss of my husband, the loss of my first attempt at meeting someone, the loss of the person he appeared to be, but I am not grieving the abusive, manipulative, controlling, false charming person he actually is. (yet me being me I feel sad for his disorder because it is one. I wish someone could help him to change but it is unlikely). I am so thankful I got out in 5 wks. I am sorry for the next girl because there will be one and no one can save her.

I do not need anyone to comment or feel bad. I just want to be honest about what I have encountered so that everyone knows I am ok.

I took back my voice, myself, my spirit. I did not break. If losing my husband did not break me there is no way this guy could. If you find yourself stuck in something similar and need help reach out. On the surface it sounds easy, see it, leave him, move on. But it is way more difficult if you have been inside it.

I do not know the numbers on widows 35 and under in the USA. I do not know for sure the numbers of Narcissists with Narcissitic Personality Disorder in the USA. But I bet you the odds of these two meeting each other and faking a romance is low.

I am all set with being the one to defy the odds. I just want to be “NORMAL”!

To learn more about Narcissism if you should need to for some reason. This is written by one. It will scare you and blow your mind. For me it helped me see that every aspect of us was tied into his NPD. He may even be a Sociopath.

https://narcsite.com

Wikipedia Defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as:

“Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which there is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of others’ feelings.[2][3] People affected by it often spend a lot of time thinking about achieving power or success, or about their appearance. They often take advantage of the people around them. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.[3]”

Lonely nights are here again

The nights have been the worst of times for close to 11 months.

TOUCH

The narcissist filled the voids in my life, my heart, my bed. He provided me the things I needed and desired for years. How do I let him go when I still need to hold him? How do I let him go when I still need him to hold me?

NEED

When you are not needed as a woman who is filled with love to give, it breaks you down. So when that sparkly eyed person rubs the bottle and your genie pops out… how do you put her back into the life of solitude and loneliness? How do you force her back into the bottle there is no air and no life there?

LAUGHTER

Over getting your wig split, watching a dumb video, inside jokes, meme’s, silly stories…. Laughter flowed freely. It made the house sound alive again. It made my belly move again. It felt like joy overflowing and tumbling out of me.

FUN

Out to dinner and drinks. Being twirled by a fountain and dipped by a parked car. Making out like youngsters on top of a white coupe. Playing games together. Enjoying quiet moments. Breakfast at 2pm. Coffee shops, friends, alone time, bathtubs. Shots, or sharing a nice bottle of red that is now a favorite. Before the drama when enough became too much.

INTIMACY

Maybe the words were not flowing yet but the look. Eyes on mine. Wide and asking. The look was there. The hope for it all, the need, the wanting so badly to trust each other.  The uncertainty behind them. The questions we both had unasked. Two people who had built walls. The hope alive that it would get there. You cannot fake a look can you? If you can you win the award babe cause I have never seen that look before.

If I could wish on a star to make this not be true, I would.

I wish the alcohol, the abuse, and the darkness did not come. I sparkled and started to catch feelings when I held his hand and looked at him. And now I am lonely again at night with nothing. I am forced to forget, move on, leave him behind. I just want to see him and it all be ok. I cannot. I won’t. Please someone help him since I cannot.

Sad for him. Sad for me. Betrayed. Confused. Lonely.

 

This image from https://www.comedycard.co.uk says it all really…

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Widow and the Narcissist

5 weeks he tried to break me but I did not. Did he think that because I am a widow I would be an easy target to his predator tendencies? I am STRONG AS FUCK! I am a warrior. I am a suicide survivor. I am his match.

I met this guy on Tinder/Cupid. We went out for 5 weeks. The good times were the best. The bad times were like he was a demon.

He was beautiful to look at with eyes that sparkled like nothing I had seen, a dazzling albeit crooked smile, hair and beard that just worked for him. A Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers swagger. He was fun, chill, and made me live.

Then the Vodka came… and the bad statements… and the undeniable need to try to break me. I knew it right away but did not get it fully either. I caught a red flag day two and should have let him go. But I was dazzled, mesmerized, already lusting hard. I was vulnerable to his charm. His charm was like nothing I have ever seen. I swear he watched a video on how to do all this to a woman. He is good. He is not all demon, sometimes he lets you in. Sometimes he drops his guard. Just enough to tangle you into the web of ups and downs, of emotional abuse.

He is a Narcissist. I am sad for him, sad for me, and sad for what could have been. The good times were perfect if I ignored the perceived slights. But I could not ignore the reality. He would have taken me down a rabbit hole. He would have let me fall in love. He would have used me for money, sex, drinking, food more than he started to. I let him go. I will miss holding him, rubs, him kissing my forehead, feeling needed for the first time in years. I will miss the intimate and quiet moments with him that started to intoxicate me. He is a drug, he had to be quit. I am sad for this side, this man with a heart and potential. Sadly he has another half of his heart that is filled with poison and venom, demons, hatred for woman, hatred for others, lack of empathy, lack of confidence, a clearly abusive past. I offered to help but he could not let me. I wish him nothing but good but I know the story will not end well he is too prideful to get the support he needs. It is my understanding Narcissists think the way things are is how they should be. Oh I am sad for that. Potential unreached. A man alone for life. A sad woman who wanted to believe in the charm but is too strong to even consider staying in this. I tried to let someone in and they tried to devastate me. I will not be broken.

The result of this 5 weeks is me thinking about what I have learned and here it is in my quoted words:

Life as it turns out is neither easy nor fair…. living is better than dying… love/lust is complicated…. most people are terrible…. mental illness is an epidemic that is not dealt with or handled well in our society. I have determined the best we can do is find the few good souls to surround yourself with that makes it all tolerable. Learn from mistakes. See red flags. Do not get attached to anyone or anything. Be self-reliant and resilient. Battle and fight for survival at all costs. Do not let them see you break. Be strong as fuck.

In case you find yourself wondering more about the topic there is a lot of great research out there. Here are some great image files I found. And one awesome article. If this is a person you are dating. Get out now before they break you.

http://www.businessinsider.com/dating-a-narcissist-phrases-to-know-2017-3/#1-love-bombing-1

 

Below you will see some of the works of Beau Taplin. These quotes helped me.