Lonely nights are here again

The nights have been the worst of times for close to 11 months.

TOUCH

The narcissist filled the voids in my life, my heart, my bed. He provided me the things I needed and desired for years. How do I let him go when I still need to hold him? How do I let him go when I still need him to hold me?

NEED

When you are not needed as a woman who is filled with love to give, it breaks you down. So when that sparkly eyed person rubs the bottle and your genie pops out… how do you put her back into the life of solitude and loneliness? How do you force her back into the bottle there is no air and no life there?

LAUGHTER

Over getting your wig split, watching a dumb video, inside jokes, meme’s, silly stories…. Laughter flowed freely. It made the house sound alive again. It made my belly move again. It felt like joy overflowing and tumbling out of me.

FUN

Out to dinner and drinks. Being twirled by a fountain and dipped by a parked car. Making out like youngsters on top of a white coupe. Playing games together. Enjoying quiet moments. Breakfast at 2pm. Coffee shops, friends, alone time, bathtubs. Shots, or sharing a nice bottle of red that is now a favorite. Before the drama when enough became too much.

INTIMACY

Maybe the words were not flowing yet but the look. Eyes on mine. Wide and asking. The look was there. The hope for it all, the need, the wanting so badly to trust each other.  The uncertainty behind them. The questions we both had unasked. Two people who had built walls. The hope alive that it would get there. You cannot fake a look can you? If you can you win the award babe cause I have never seen that look before.

If I could wish on a star to make this not be true, I would.

I wish the alcohol, the abuse, and the darkness did not come. I sparkled and started to catch feelings when I held his hand and looked at him. And now I am lonely again at night with nothing. I am forced to forget, move on, leave him behind. I just want to see him and it all be ok. I cannot. I won’t. Please someone help him since I cannot.

Sad for him. Sad for me. Betrayed. Confused. Lonely.

 

This image from https://www.comedycard.co.uk says it all really…

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No one to tell – Loneliness

This is going to be a short one today. It is pretty simple to express. It is not something I feel every day and I had been feeling really great for the last 7 weeks or so until this week. This week I am weaker. This week I felt like I got another blow to my heart. This week I feel ALONE.

I feel loss of him most when I come and go. When it’s really good or really bad.

I feel it most when I have work business travel. When I land and arrive at my destination no one cares I’m safe. When I come home no one cares that I did. No one to tell.

When I am sick or need medicine or my inhaler fast there is no one to help me anymore.

When my work day is successful or I have good news to share. There is no one to tell.

When I see something cool, something frightening, something interesting. Who do you tell?

I feel ALONE. When I say no one that may sound harsh because of course people care. But no one is here to tell anymore that is my go to. I feel like I tell my brothers, my text friend, and my family, and friends. But it is not the same at all. I am still learning which people to get which support from. (another topic for another day and difficult to navigate as again no manual). I really screwed up this week on this one by the way.

The room can be filled with people who love and care for you. But without a person who loves you truly like a spouse would after all these years of being together… you do not feel anything but ALONE.

Sometimes I worry I will get hurt or die and no one will know for days. If I did not reach out to people and say how I am they really would not know. I work from home and I could literally disappear and no one would be the wiser.