So I know I am supposed to continue on about support systems as I am exploring all of them. It should be Support systems and mediums today. But, this is my blog and my outlet. I do not know who reads it and who does not and that is ok. It is anonymous for a reason. It is here to share my thoughts and continue my honest truth and living presently. I have bottled up some of the stuff beyond the grief.
So, instead of support and mediums. I bring you this….
I am being me. I am living. I am 8.5 months into this and I am ok. I am happy sometimes. I am sad sometimes. I am angry sometimes. I am emotional sometimes. I am quiet and a loner sometimes. I am ready for action sometimes. I do not need anyone or anything really in order to get by (well maybe some help w my 5 pets when I travel!) I am independent, self-reliant, smart, educated, and successful. I own a place, pay my bills, work hard and play hard. My heart is huge and empty but that is just how it is right now. I am learning to go on hikes and swim alone, reading a ton, writing even more, booking yoga retreats and maybe even camping too. I am learning to live like I never have; taking back what his depression took from us. I admit I have been convinced to try the crazy online dating thing. Guys ask me out at bars, random places, or online. I am finding peace and happiness in myself and in this moment.
It is not about getting a date; that is easy; it’s finding a person who I could even consider talking beyond one moment to. The guy that challenges your mind, that shares your beliefs, that makes your heart beat faster, that infuriates you in a good way, that makes you want again. That pulls you closer with one look. That you knew the moment you saw them that they would impact your life forever.
So, I have convinced you this is not need. That I am riding grief waves with the best of them and not drowning.
I cannot control however that I sometimes Want. I want to share things with him, laugh with him, hold him close to me, I want to develop something again, I want my friend to be there more. Who would not want to share time with someone they get along well with. I think I blew it long ago (well that’s pretty much what he said). I expressed where I am at and was shot down. But I was honest, raw, open, and vulnerable for the first time in a long time.
I am doing fine, I am not crying and pining away. I am not depressed. I did not stop living and woe is me. It’s more of a disappointment. I am strong and resilient. I am doing me. I am opening myself up to new things, new people, experiences. I have been through hell and this is NOT going to break me if THAT did not.
The Want I have to let go of is there in the background.
I cannot control how I started to feel, how he feels, or how either of us choose to respond to those feelings or lack thereof. I know that he either feels nothing, feels something & won’t admit it, or sees no reason to explore for a myriad of reasons. Maybe it’s scary to try for him I know for sure it is for me. Maybe for some people risk outweighs potential benefits. Maybe the past is harder to forget than people think. Maybe there is someone else. Maybe he doesn’t want to look like the one who is talking to the Widow Girl. And the worst one maybe a person can be attracted to and friendly with someone, but not want more than that because they simply are uninterested and feel nothing around them. Ouch that one hurts.
It is not about the future it is about the present moment. And now at this moment we are not on the same page and that is ok. It is not my place to change his mind, convince him I won’t hurt him again, or give him my list of qualities. Nor would I want to. It has to be organic. It is not something you chase after. It is not something I would want to rush into. I know that I bring a set of issues and complications that most people would not want to take on. I know that I will be his friend and there for him regardless of this.
All I wanted was a chance to see. My experience is that the best relationships I had started as friendship (I had two amazing ones my late husband and well this person). You cannot get someone to let you in. You cannot change how someone feels and you cannot change how they respond. You can only go by what they say even if you are uncertain you believe it or understand it fully. You can be their friend, drop the flirtations, let your feelings out, then you can push those feelings aside because they do not feel the same.
For myself and my own sorting – I had given it a lot of thought.
- What it isn’t for me: need, loneliness, settling, convenient, easy, rushed, a band-aid/rebound
- What it is for me: complicated, confusing, insane, potential, scary, living, joy, fun
- What it was for me: special, memorable, passionate, outstanding, emotional, amazing, comfort, joy, love, regretful in the end
- What it could have been: everything we never thought we would ever have a chance at again because of how life went…plus the good stuff we had before…. (and I did not even share the half of it).
- What it is instead: A friendship that I hope continues to grow strong. I hope it becomes a two-way street where he comes to me too on bad days. I hope he values and enjoys our time as friends as I do.
- What he did for me: Made me smile and laugh when I did not think I could. Gave me something to look forward to when the messages came through. Was a voice in a very quiet time when only a couple of people checked on me. Gave me ideas and encouragement (paint, write, get out of your head). During this same period of time I started to heal, live, sleep, feel, respond. I give credit in many places for this… mainly to me and the work I did, the medium, family & friends, the therapy, yoga, support groups, suicide survivors, and to him. This friendship awakened me and brought back something inside my dead carcass. It pulled me out of a dumpster of sadness.
- My hope for Him: Happiness, love, success, passion. A continued ability to be supportive to those in need, this is a true gift. Forgiveness of the past. Everything to be great and fun all of the time 🙂 ! He is a good man, genuine, and whoever finally wins his heart is a lucky girl.
Here are a few additional and random reflections:
- I hate the one-sidedness of grief. I want to reciprocate our friendships and be there too for people.
- I want people in my life because they want to be not because of obligation or perceived needs I have.
- I am doing me, I am ok, I am alive, I am living, I do not need another person to make me happy.
- Think before you act because what you put out you cannot always take back.