Lessons since becoming “CRINGE” a Widow

A good morning text is the best text you can get. It starts your day special when it is from a person who cares about you or that you care for (or ideally both). It is a simple gesture but it matters. It shows that you are on that person’s mind as they begin their day. It is those small things that make you smile and start the day with a positive… with time they hopefully develop into more texts to include goodnight.

I learned that in order for me to be ready to accept someone into my life I had to introduce myself to who I am now, a suicide surviving widow warrior. I am nothing like the girl I was on 10-20-2016 and she will NEVER exist again. Would you even want her to? NO! She walked blindly through life. Thinking things were just great all the time.

I learned that in order to choose and attract better people to be in my life, I had to be comfortable in my own skin, not settle, and not be so vulnerable in my new widow world.

I learned that pure evil does exist. I learned to forgive myself because I will falter and make mistakes on my journey. As long as I learned from the mistake and do not make it again then I think it is ok!

I was swiftly reminded that I have a strong intuition but it is only a useful tool if I listen to it! Still learning to always listen and when the volume is low listen even harder.

I am learning that things happen in their own time and there is no point to try to change the timeline, but try to roll with the waves and hold on tight.

I learned abruptly that life is short and you should always be kind, be honest, and be yourself with no apologies. Use the time you have wisely and around those that fill your heart with happiness. Do not settle for friends, family, or partners who do not bring you joy and compliment you. I see more people settling for things it is unfortunate.

I recall that there is nothing more amazing and joyful than laughing/dancing/drinking.celebrating/talking with someone who makes you enjoy life. Surround yourself with the best of the best.

When you have gone through so much it is best to find someone else who has also walked a journey of some kind (experienced heartbreak, loss, divorce) because they will understand you and you them. They will not give you the sad eyes but will look at you with amazement of your resiliency and strength. They will share their cuts and bruises with you too. I feel most comfortable when we share things with one another that not everyone is privy to.

I learned that while they may be harder to find there are good men left out in the world. Just that is a comfort.

A good friend reminded me: you want someone who would be afraid to lose you, who sees your value, your worth, and your beauty and will shift whatever they need to in order to be able to be with you. I hope…

I learned you miss companionship, being held, and sharing your day/ideas/goals so very much when your spouse passes away. These qualities do not develop overnight with anyone and in many cases will require slowing down and being very choosy.

My brother reminds me to visualize positives, follow the laws of attraction, and keep reading The Secret.

A person who goes through shock, loss, and trauma needs consistency, stability, and honesty from the people she surrounds herself with. I learned that I can overthink, overreact, and be pessimistic sometimes and need to continue to work on that. I learned that most people are flimsy and cannot grasp this need. They are more concerned with their needs and do not realize the confusion they may cause you. Not because they mean but because life is not clear cut.

I am blessed with great and supportive family and friends. I learned that I must keep surrounding myself with good positive, people only and cut off the negatives.

The negatives/trauma I have overcome do not define me as a person but they make me who I am and make me stronger. I am tired of learning and being strong. I want to collapse into someone I trust and fall apart a little. I hope I can soon before I fall down alone into the corner of the room.

Matt wants to see me happy and living and especially dancing (medium reading 1). I promised him I would do my best to do those things.

Just a few of my random thoughts on lessons I learned in the last year and things I am working on too.

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