Matt asked that I start entertaining and being around people again in one of the medium readings. Since then I have used the smoker twice and had two parties.
The Friendsgiving was perfect. I had a lot of wonderful people here to spend the day. Each of us were without parts (or in my case all of) our families. We decided to eat together rather than be alone. We ate, drank, laughed, ate, drank, and played Cards Against Humanity.
Two days of cooking was well worth the joy we had spending the day together. A bunch of random misfits that I am happy to be a part of.
We went around the table telling what we were grateful for. I choked up a bit on a couple of areas of course when I said some of us are grateful for those here in spirit (Matt) and those we wish had come (a cute boy).
Almost everyone listed, family, friends, and pets as what they are most grateful for. Even the 3 teens put their smartphones down long enough to answer.
I could have laid in bed and wallowed in a pool of self-pity on the 2nd solo Thanksgiving, but instead I cooked, laughed, loved, and smiled.
Friendsgiving was a success!
I see things simply in black or white. I am a Water element you know. I am in or out. It is on or off. Together or not. Play hard or not at all. So why is the world casting gray on me?
Gray is the uncertain. It is potential energy, it is possible or it is impossible. Gray is rocky and not secure. Gray could ruin you if you let it. Gray could hold everything if you are a patient person.
I have started to learn patience and restraint. I am still trying to balance it with need, desire, and want. Where I fall off is how to be assertive and fulfill my needs while being patient with the gray areas in my life.
What do you do when inside that gray unknown there is something that you want? How much time and effort do you give to the unknown? How long do you sit in gray space afraid to speak out and ask for things?. How do you learn to be more assertive when you are trying to be patient?
I try to work on things to make myself better. My current list is
- Asking for Help
- Knowing I am worth it
- Stop overthinking
When Matt died the entire world was gray. Where will I live? What will I do? How will I survive? I have been forced to change so much so fast. It has been a lot of work, effort, and grabbing at driftwood when the ocean swells occur. I survived and now I want to be happy again. How will I be happy again? What is happening next? So much unknown.
I had not said his name on the blog before but lately I have been more public on the entire story and therefore I feel it is time to name him here. Matthew is my late husbands name. 11-6-2017, would have been his 40th birthday. Always the jokester, he used to say his birthday was the 7th! It took me forever to recall his actual birthday and not second guess myself.
I had an energy/medium session the day before his 40th. Matt came through and wanted to be sure I started to use the smoker and that I had people over for his milestone birthday. I went to the grocery store for tenderloin, wings, and beer. Our old neighbors, buddies, and even some new friends came over to spend time with me to remember Matt. We told stories, checked out some pictures, ate, and drank. At the end of the evening we sent a lantern up to the sky to honor Matt. I know he saw it. I know he was watching over us.
Matt was surely happy to see all the people enjoying smoker food on his favorite gift ever, the Traeger. Drinking Crown, doing shots of fireball, and chugging beers together.
Matt, thank you for the many years we had together, the love we shared, the amount you cared for me. Thank you for sharing our home, my craziness, and enduring my persistence and passions. I know that you would have given anything to have enjoyed things more, gone more places, and be more present but the pain you were in was too deep. I know now that you wish things had ended differently. I know you are sorry that I am sad and hurting. Thank you for checking in on me, for the signs, for being okay with me moving forward. Thank you for the advice to be patient. I am grateful for you guidance and positivity about my strengths after your passing.
I enjoy your signs, and knowing you are around me. I know I look ok but many days I am not. I am trying to make you proud. I am doing Yoga just like you suggested for me.
Happy Birthday Matt and thank you. I miss you.
Who am I? What does it mean to date a widow?
I am built on a foundation of strength that I learned from my family, guarded by a fortress of walls due to a lifetime of being taken for granted, and a difficult life, combined with some very bad luck. There is a moat around me that is deep and open and that hole was made by the loss of my late husband. It represent grief, loss, uncertainty, blame, and insecurity. If you are so fortunate to climb over the walls or penetrate through them you will see that deep inside there is something softer like the batting that goes inside your softest quilt.
If you like me stay around. Put in the effort ask me how I am. Be open, honest, considerate. Talk to me about my late husband. Ask me what I have been through. If you respect me, care for me, consider me your friend, stay. If not please make room for someone who could. If you are only here to use me or suck my energy please just go.
I truly believe Widows need more consistency, security, honesty, and understanding. We have been through a lot. It is really hard to be thrust into the dating pool (many yrs later and a little unsure) unless you find someone extremely special. We may come off a bit broken, a bit unsure/lacking confidence, but we do not mean to show that side. We truly try to go with the flow and date correctly. We want the same things that everyone wants fun dates, getting to know you slowly, and a great friendship. We will make mistakes
Widows are also distrusting because we are targets and sometimes used (see previous postings about the narcissist) for what we are perceived to have, or for our vulnerabilities that can be exposed.
Widows are forgetful. We repeat things. We cannot think of the words sometimes. Our minds are a little like a bunch of knots we are trying to unravel into a new storyline. Be patient with me.
Are you strong enough to be my man? If not I certainly know I am strong enough on my own.
My current charter is to learn to be patient when I want to dive headfirst. To know that what is meant for me will come. To be thoughtful in my decisions. To realize I will have happiness again even if it takes time. To know there is a plan for me. I am grateful for my intuition which guides me. The stronger that grows the easier it is for me to learn to be patient. The more aware of myself I am the easier it is to practice this new charter. What is meant will be. What I want and need will come in time.
In my past life I have had to put myself out there first always, now I am learning to lean back and let it come my way more.
Patience in myself is difficult for me to give because I am harder on myself than anyone else. I want to walk side by side with those things that are right for me and not be ahead or behind of the situation.
My passion and excitement for living often comes off as impatience so I need to work on my messaging. I am not trying to rush through this world but instead find a balanced approach filled with light, love, peace, and mindfulness.
In all aspects of life, I am uninterested in having anything that isn’t 100% meant for me, that doesn’t improve me as a person, that isn’t clear to those around me that it is right. If someone doesn’t want me in their life or serves me as a negative energy; I would rather be free of their vines. I have already done this with a few people and it makes me stronger. I am no longer interested in chasing, or making things fit that should not. If you want me in your life you will let me know. If it is meant for me I will know.
I am finding patience, balance, peace, strength, growing passion, and living every moment. Be Here Now.
I think we have discovered that Luck is not in the cards for me. But I am so blessed for those in my life. I think they still have luck on their side.
This week I shared in the joy of my friends. Being a part of their happiness makes me very grateful. I feel something. They want to tell me. They value what we have. (When I truly think hard and recall that my husband is dead a coldness and emptiness washes over me). I love the opportunity to feel otherwise.
One friend let me adopt their kids to trick or treat with this Halloween. Her daughter and I walked hand in hand and house to house along with the rest of her family and parents. I cannot recall ever getting a chance to go trick or treating in this manner. I had been laying in bed since 6PM but my friend was not having any of that and showed up with 4 kids in tow ready to rock. A was so excited to have a hand to hold and to run house to house with in her Batgirl costume. Watching her face was watching pure joy.
Another friend shared in their joy of purchasing a vacation home. I was able to know first, see the pictures, and write the congratulations email.
And my newest friend shared with me the news of his job opportunity. Finally someone valued the back and forth again on something I am great at, business. Now all we need is champagne.
After my husband passed away people were hesitant to share positive news with me. I am truly happy that is not the case with these people. I got to share in happiness and joy and celebrate for other people.
After loss I became more sensitive. I am more in tune to my intuitions. I am more caring, more quiet, more thoughtful, more soft. It’s good because this empathetic side balances out the strong, independent, resilient, tough side.
It is not that I share that soft side with everyone, just the few I trust and let into both parts of my world.
A good morning text is the best text you can get. It starts your day special when it is from a person who cares about you or that you care for (or ideally both). It is a simple gesture but it matters. It shows that you are on that person’s mind as they begin their day. It is those small things that make you smile and start the day with a positive… with time they hopefully develop into more texts to include goodnight.
I learned that in order for me to be ready to accept someone into my life I had to introduce myself to who I am now, a suicide surviving widow warrior. I am nothing like the girl I was on 10-20-2016 and she will NEVER exist again. Would you even want her to? NO! She walked blindly through life. Thinking things were just great all the time.
I learned that in order to choose and attract better people to be in my life, I had to be comfortable in my own skin, not settle, and not be so vulnerable in my new widow world.
I learned that pure evil does exist. I learned to forgive myself because I will falter and make mistakes on my journey. As long as I learned from the mistake and do not make it again then I think it is ok!
I was swiftly reminded that I have a strong intuition but it is only a useful tool if I listen to it! Still learning to always listen and when the volume is low listen even harder.
I am learning that things happen in their own time and there is no point to try to change the timeline, but try to roll with the waves and hold on tight.
I learned abruptly that life is short and you should always be kind, be honest, and be yourself with no apologies. Use the time you have wisely and around those that fill your heart with happiness. Do not settle for friends, family, or partners who do not bring you joy and compliment you. I see more people settling for things it is unfortunate.
I recall that there is nothing more amazing and joyful than laughing/dancing/drinking.celebrating/talking with someone who makes you enjoy life. Surround yourself with the best of the best.
When you have gone through so much it is best to find someone else who has also walked a journey of some kind (experienced heartbreak, loss, divorce) because they will understand you and you them. They will not give you the sad eyes but will look at you with amazement of your resiliency and strength. They will share their cuts and bruises with you too. I feel most comfortable when we share things with one another that not everyone is privy to.
I learned that while they may be harder to find there are good men left out in the world. Just that is a comfort.
A good friend reminded me: you want someone who would be afraid to lose you, who sees your value, your worth, and your beauty and will shift whatever they need to in order to be able to be with you. I hope…
I learned you miss companionship, being held, and sharing your day/ideas/goals so very much when your spouse passes away. These qualities do not develop overnight with anyone and in many cases will require slowing down and being very choosy.
My brother reminds me to visualize positives, follow the laws of attraction, and keep reading The Secret.
A person who goes through shock, loss, and trauma needs consistency, stability, and honesty from the people she surrounds herself with. I learned that I can overthink, overreact, and be pessimistic sometimes and need to continue to work on that. I learned that most people are flimsy and cannot grasp this need. They are more concerned with their needs and do not realize the confusion they may cause you. Not because they mean but because life is not clear cut.
I am blessed with great and supportive family and friends. I learned that I must keep surrounding myself with good positive, people only and cut off the negatives.
The negatives/trauma I have overcome do not define me as a person but they make me who I am and make me stronger. I am tired of learning and being strong. I want to collapse into someone I trust and fall apart a little. I hope I can soon before I fall down alone into the corner of the room.
Matt wants to see me happy and living and especially dancing (medium reading 1). I promised him I would do my best to do those things.
Just a few of my random thoughts on lessons I learned in the last year and things I am working on too.