She grew calm

I am the calm in the storm:

I do not really think I feel anything anymore. I really just allow the hard moments to happen to me and I go along with the punches, waves, bends, and curves. I do not care what happens to me.

When the Narcissist happened I literally watched it unfolding doing nothing to protect myself from the danger and the signs. It took a persistent and unexpected friend to really get me to act on what I knew and walk out.

When the latest thing happened and I should have reacted in some fashion negatively, I did not. I sat calmly and waited. My date even asked me if I was in shock or ok. He looked at me with concern for how chill I was. Dead husband hanging in a rafter of my attic was my reply. I have not shouted, cried, or freaked out yet about it. I suspect I will not.

Old me would have been more crazy, more frantic, more enraged and cried and screamed. I think it would take a lot to get me to respond emotionally again to anything that happens. I hate shock and surprise but I also no longer allow these unlucky occurrences to shake me. I have no choice because the emotions just do not come.

I cannot hardly cry anymore. Maybe a brief 30 second outburst into the fur of my dogs. But beyond that this widow is growing colder, quieter, more worn down. She is reserved, beaten down, and expecting nothing but unfortunate events to continue to find her.

Luckless:

luck·less

adjective

  1. having bad luck; unfortunate. synonyms: unluckyunfortunateunsuccessfulhapless, out of luck, cursed, jinxed, doomedill-fated

I recall saying to my husband once how unlucky I was typically. How bad things seem to find me. I always felt I was a good person, striving to be my best self while being helpful to those around me. Honest, kind, considerate, and giving. He used to say I was selfish sometimes. Maybe I am a little bit. I do not think I am a bad person overall to warrant such circumstances, but that is hard to self judge. I had no idea all this could happen to one person/family. He and I are both luckless.

Brief encounters of Joy:

Things make me smile sometimes or laugh out loud. I try to surround myself with those things first and foremost. I have a couple of good friends that I swear take away the pain by lifting my spirits and making me giggle. It is during this laugh out loud comedy over google chat or Facebook messenger or a bottle of red that I feel like there is life still in me. I have some new friends that I love to visit at the coffee shop. We share our life with each other and those moments I think maybe I will be ok. I see their strength and try to grab hold and learn how to be stronger, wiser, and more assertive.

My joy however is muted by grief:

I wish I could just throw caution to the wind and truly enjoy moments more. I know I am probably damaging a potential relationship right now because of my inability to handle uncertainty, grey areas, and letting this evolve. I know that is because of grief.

This calm widow requires consistency, certainty, understanding, space. She craves joy, laughter, and passion. I think I do a good job hiding the cold side. Maybe you do not even know about it?

If you know me you may be wondering why I need to be more assertive, me the Type A, me the strong coworker. It is in my personal relationships with guys and friends that I allow myself to be walked all over, hurt, and used. I am of two minds it seems.

  • Work: Strong, firm, spirited and feisty
  • Emergencies and conflict: calm, balanced, unemotional
  • Dating and sometimes in Friendship: do not say no enough, not as assertive, sensitive, uncertain, people pleasing

I continue to take to the waves and when they knock me down I simply stay calm… almost debating if they should drown me or I should float with them. The old me would have swum them, ridden them to see where I would end up. The old me would thrash and fight if the waves started to swallow me.

One thought on “She grew calm

  1. Time doll…give yourself some Time!
    Grieving takes an undetermined amount of time, and is different with everyone. Live for the moment, it is all we are promised anyway!
    Big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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