October 1…

The waves are crashing in.

I woke up yesterday to my dog jumping heavily on my chest. “Wake up Momma!” she was saying. “It’s my big day” she screamed.

Understanding crossed my face as the Facebook newsfeed showed me my memories. It is my youngest pups birthday and she wants to share it with the world. (Note to self pretend like you did not forget her presents and rush out and get them asap!)

October 1. The start of the month I have been dreading for 11 months. 

Introspection continues but has turned more toward the negative.

  • Alone. Me, the girl who has parents that have over 50 years together in marriage. I am alone.
  • He left without a word, a note, or even a thought for or of me.
  • I was not enough to keep him here.
  • I missed signs.
  • He did not feel like he could tell me.
  • You think I am the wild widow.
  • Judgment is typical of our type. Between my new wheels, my new dating apps, my new body malnourished from lack of hunger but toned. I know you think I am a mess, vulnerable, and easy prey.
  • I had no say in losing my husband to suicide.
  • I had no say in the next situation either when the man took advantage of me.
  • There is no certainty of tomorrow
  • I cannot reach out to be held when I need it, because the person I would have reached for is gone. When I tried to find someone to reach for after he passed, I was naive and vulnerable which resulted in a severe kick to the heart by a master manipulator.
  • Now, if I even think about trying to reach for someone again, I feel like there is an electric collar around my neck to zap me.
  • I have very few single friends to do things with.
  • Seeking single friend to do things with. To get me out, to lift weights with, to eat with. It has to be someone who understands. This person is hard to find at age 36! Most people already have their core group by my age. Most are married and making babies. 


  • No one who has not been where he is can understand him. 
  • No one who has not been where I am can understand me. 

Be Here Now. Live Every Moment

One thought on “October 1…

  1. I relate to your list. I’m only 3.5 months out, also 36, and I did not see the suicide coming. There were no major issues in our life. Ugh.

    I have not started dating and won’t for a few more months, but yes, I think I will need to be very guarded and careful. But I do want to try. I want what I lost back. I feel so lost and aimless. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life and I’m trying to re mold in my mind how I envision my life going forward. But i have a hard time figuring out what i want it to look like. I didn’t plan for this.


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