Introspection part 1

in·tro·spec·tion
ˌintrəˈspekSH(ə)n/
noun
the examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes.
“quiet introspection can be extremely valuable”

What the hell is wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this horrible love life?

No seriously…. how can I ask him to find common denominators in his love stories yesterday if I am not willing to do the same? I am not a manipulator, not a narcissist, not a thief of feelings/hearts/minds. I am not abusive or mean. I am kind and wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe you go all in or all out and I never dip my toe in the water for long.

But there is something I must be doing wrong.

I know I attract men (or in the last case manchild)

  • Who need help, fixing, saving, or something
  • With family issues (specifically mom),
  • With deep seeded insecurities
  • Who take more than they can give

Yes I am wise to those patterns. I literally looked back on every person I ever dated and I will continue to determine what I was doing and why I let them into my world. I have settled, I have given benefit of the doubt to men, I have sacrificed. This last time is the first time I have dated anyone like him. There was no preparation for the life of the party guy who makes you feel amazing in one moment and like a worthless person the next moment. I did not settle I was mesmerized. I enjoyed the moments with him so much. I wanted to be supportive and caring and he noticed and appreciated it (so he said). But I was like a servant not a girlfriend.

My bigger question is why is that? What is wrong with me? Why do I give so much of me and receive so little of them. Therapy is today and only one hour. She has no idea about the last two weeks and how up it got and how down it now is. Oh it is going to be an interesting one hour. I have too many feelings to possibly cover in one session.

Why couldn’t he be what I thought? I miss him still. Why can’t I choose better?

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