The nights have been the worst of times for close to 11 months.
The narcissist filled the voids in my life, my heart, my bed. He provided me the things I needed and desired for years. How do I let him go when I still need to hold him? How do I let him go when I still need him to hold me?
When you are not needed as a woman who is filled with love to give, it breaks you down. So when that sparkly eyed person rubs the bottle and your genie pops out… how do you put her back into the life of solitude and loneliness? How do you force her back into the bottle there is no air and no life there?
Over getting your wig split, watching a dumb video, inside jokes, meme’s, silly stories…. Laughter flowed freely. It made the house sound alive again. It made my belly move again. It felt like joy overflowing and tumbling out of me.
Out to dinner and drinks. Being twirled by a fountain and dipped by a parked car. Making out like youngsters on top of a white coupe. Playing games together. Enjoying quiet moments. Breakfast at 2pm. Coffee shops, friends, alone time, bathtubs. Shots, or sharing a nice bottle of red that is now a favorite. Before the drama when enough became too much.
Maybe the words were not flowing yet but the look. Eyes on mine. Wide and asking. The look was there. The hope for it all, the need, the wanting so badly to trust each other. The uncertainty behind them. The questions we both had unasked. Two people who had built walls. The hope alive that it would get there. You cannot fake a look can you? If you can you win the award babe cause I have never seen that look before.
If I could wish on a star to make this not be true, I would.
I wish the alcohol, the abuse, and the darkness did not come. I sparkled and started to catch feelings when I held his hand and looked at him. And now I am lonely again at night with nothing. I am forced to forget, move on, leave him behind. I just want to see him and it all be ok. I cannot. I won’t. Please someone help him since I cannot.
Sad for him. Sad for me. Betrayed. Confused. Lonely.
This image from https://www.comedycard.co.uk says it all really…