5 weeks he tried to break me but I did not. Did he think that because I am a widow I would be an easy target to his predator tendencies? I am STRONG AS FUCK! I am a warrior. I am a suicide survivor. I am his match.
I met this guy on Tinder/Cupid. We went out for 5 weeks. The good times were the best. The bad times were like he was a demon.
He was beautiful to look at with eyes that sparkled like nothing I had seen, a dazzling albeit crooked smile, hair and beard that just worked for him. A Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers swagger. He was fun, chill, and made me live.
Then the Vodka came… and the bad statements… and the undeniable need to try to break me. I knew it right away but did not get it fully either. I caught a red flag day two and should have let him go. But I was dazzled, mesmerized, already lusting hard. I was vulnerable to his charm. His charm was like nothing I have ever seen. I swear he watched a video on how to do all this to a woman. He is good. He is not all demon, sometimes he lets you in. Sometimes he drops his guard. Just enough to tangle you into the web of ups and downs, of emotional abuse.
He is a Narcissist. I am sad for him, sad for me, and sad for what could have been. The good times were perfect if I ignored the perceived slights. But I could not ignore the reality. He would have taken me down a rabbit hole. He would have let me fall in love. He would have used me for money, sex, drinking, food more than he started to. I let him go. I will miss holding him, rubs, him kissing my forehead, feeling needed for the first time in years. I will miss the intimate and quiet moments with him that started to intoxicate me. He is a drug, he had to be quit. I am sad for this side, this man with a heart and potential. Sadly he has another half of his heart that is filled with poison and venom, demons, hatred for woman, hatred for others, lack of empathy, lack of confidence, a clearly abusive past. I offered to help but he could not let me. I wish him nothing but good but I know the story will not end well he is too prideful to get the support he needs. It is my understanding Narcissists think the way things are is how they should be. Oh I am sad for that. Potential unreached. A man alone for life. A sad woman who wanted to believe in the charm but is too strong to even consider staying in this. I tried to let someone in and they tried to devastate me. I will not be broken.
The result of this 5 weeks is me thinking about what I have learned and here it is in my quoted words:
Life as it turns out is neither easy nor fair…. living is better than dying… love/lust is complicated…. most people are terrible…. mental illness is an epidemic that is not dealt with or handled well in our society. I have determined the best we can do is find the few good souls to surround yourself with that makes it all tolerable. Learn from mistakes. See red flags. Do not get attached to anyone or anything. Be self-reliant and resilient. Battle and fight for survival at all costs. Do not let them see you break. Be strong as fuck.
In case you find yourself wondering more about the topic there is a lot of great research out there. Here are some great image files I found. And one awesome article. If this is a person you are dating. Get out now before they break you.
Below you will see some of the works of Beau Taplin. These quotes helped me.