So I have not been writing as much. I got myself out of whack. Sometimes when I write I have to tell the story I am ready to share or the circumstance I am prepared to explain. I have been doing far better than I would have thought I could be at 9 months. I miss him but I do not really want to talk about it or think on it at this moment.

The fact is I have been alone, lonely, untouched, and feeling unloved for longer than 9 months. I know that he loved me intellectually but he just could not show it. It has to be years of this.

I am tired of this loneliness this constant feeling of empty. I feel like I want to claw my way out but I have nothing to cling to. I am trying to meet people, to do new things, to attempt to find someone who can look at me the way I should be looked at. It is so hard. It feels bad to be out there searching. I thought I had done the leg work many years ago.

The even harder part is how far out of practice I am. 12 years ago it was a different ballgame. Things like online dating, emoticons, acronyms, are Greek to me. Signs of flirting must have changed. Apparently flirting just does not mean anything now? I thought blushing when you see someone signified interest in them but that may not be the 2017 version of dating. I thought that when someone asks if they should call you it means they want to actually get your digits and call you. I will not even speak the emotionally unbalanced 34 yr old I found on OK Cupid who basically implied I should change and be more needy (amongst other crazy things he said over 5 days).

I hoped that me being 36 would still allow me to date people in my 30’s but the fact is the guys who are interested are 40+. The guys that flirt and seem interested do not really want me, it appears! It seems to me that the ones I do not like are all about trying to get to know me.

My late husband says I will find someone who can open up to me and I will be happier (through the medium) but the fact is I do not know how I will even pickup and continue looking.

At 9 months I am lost and unsure but I am trying. I wish I had a rock to grab onto. I would not let myself anyways though would I?

I have to come to terms with the fact that my independence is needed to stay alive as a grief wave rider. And guys cannot handle the lack of NEED. 

I am not even sure if I am articulating this correctly. This quote says it all. I hope the weirdo calls…