As you know crying and sadness is really tiring. It is not living. It is all-encompassing. Wallowing into my bed is something I just have not done. I have not allowed myself to FALL. Believe me I think it is great if you can pause long enough to let yourself fall completely. There is certainly no judgement in how you grieve from me. For myself however, I just worried if I started to FALL I would not be able to pull myself back up from the hole I was in. I grieve in waves instead.
I want to FLY.
Just because I want to fly does not make me love him less, miss him less, or diminish him in any way. I believe he wants to see me FLY. I heard it from him in fact when I saw the medium. He said I would fall in love again and it would be great. He wants me to live, dance, and be happy. He said he would be sure he is not a scumbag. (a term I often used to describe some of my past).
Does this make everything easy? No, of course not! But, his blessing is certainly helpful and allowed me to step into life again.
Reading grief blogs I hear several things consistently from Widow(ers).
- They feel guilt and shame for living, for having a good day, for getting a date, etc. I do not think any of our spouses wanted to die (even if suicide was the way they died like my husband). If they did not want to die then please explain why would they want us stop living?
- The other consistent thing I see is if they do move forward they compare someone new or something new (house, job, etc) to when they were with their spouse. This really is not giving the new experience a fair chance. It is not giving you a fair chance at life.
I hope that other Widow(ers) will support each other and others will support them to start to live, to be fair to the new experience, and to have a good Life after Loss. Do not let fear stop you because Grief transforms quickly to fear. It will make you pause just try to swim through the tidal wave. If we could get a Widow Pass and FLY without fear of wrong decisions, broken hearts, dead ends, risk that would be wonderful but then we know that is just not reality. So we must be bold and risk mistakes, sadness, and even scarier additional losses. Somehow I think its the last one that holds us back the most.
I just read the Alchemist by Paul Coehlo and I must leave you with a few of my favorite quotes that make sense here.
- “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”
- “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
- “The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”