This is going to be a short one today. It is pretty simple to express. It is not something I feel every day and I had been feeling really great for the last 7 weeks or so until this week. This week I am weaker. This week I felt like I got another blow to my heart. This week I feel ALONE.
I feel loss of him most when I come and go. When it’s really good or really bad.
I feel it most when I have work business travel. When I land and arrive at my destination no one cares I’m safe. When I come home no one cares that I did. No one to tell.
When I am sick or need medicine or my inhaler fast there is no one to help me anymore.
When my work day is successful or I have good news to share. There is no one to tell.
When I see something cool, something frightening, something interesting. Who do you tell?
I feel ALONE. When I say no one that may sound harsh because of course people care. But no one is here to tell anymore that is my go to. I feel like I tell my brothers, my text friend, and my family, and friends. But it is not the same at all. I am still learning which people to get which support from. (another topic for another day and difficult to navigate as again no manual). I really screwed up this week on this one by the way.
The room can be filled with people who love and care for you. But without a person who loves you truly like a spouse would after all these years of being together… you do not feel anything but ALONE.
Sometimes I worry I will get hurt or die and no one will know for days. If I did not reach out to people and say how I am they really would not know. I work from home and I could literally disappear and no one would be the wiser.