WIDOW… I did not even know if that applied to me or if that was the male version (widower) I had to look it up.
I know I have to accept this term as it is what I am, a Widow. A woman who has lost her spouse by death and has not remarried. At 35, a widow?
I always pictured someone who is over 80 and wearing a cardigan all day remembering her young years with her grandkids as the image of a widow. The fact is with the mental health crisis, cancer catastrophe, and heart conditions in the world no one is safe from the big W. We are one stressful heart attack, one cancer cell, and one suicide away from making another young Widow (or Widower).
Signing paperwork to sell my previous home was the first time I saw it staring me in the face next to my full name. I could not believe the audacity it had to just glare at me that way. I immediately started to crumble in front of my realtor and the lawyer. Thankfully they were very kind and aware of my recent loss. The buyers were late to their closing so I was able to get out before they even walked in the door.
It sounds like I have a disease not that I lost a spouse, best friend, lover, and companion. Widow seems like a condition versus a status. I think I will find another word. I just do not know what it is. Maybe the W could be for Wisdom instead because we sure gain a lot of wisdom in short order after loss and grief.
I have started to say LATE husband which is another foreign one for me. If you say husband people are confused, he is not an ex so that does not work, you do not want to say former, so you are stuck with dead, deceased or with late. Seems like late is a nicer and softer way to say what is so sad and shocking.
As I try to re-enter my new life I have been forced to remind myself of my new status as Widow again. Check the box that best explains your status (doctor’s office, online dating, employment paperwork, etc). You are so used to checking married or single but widow is foreign for sure and one we just did not see coming.
Being a widow does not define any of us. We should not let it try to. Get up and grab life and live it. Seek out friends who do not treat you differently or look at you with sad eyes. Find the ones that bring life back to you. Thank you to those who do this for me.
Our spouses would want us to live. I know for sure that my late husband wants me to move forward and find love again while he watches over me.