All I want is to smile, laugh, and to be happy again. Someone or something to make my mind stop questioning, wondering, and second guessing.
As you marry or have a serious relationship so much is wrapped up into your coupling. When 12 years is taken in the blink of an eye and unexpectedly so is the identity you have had. I want to allow my new self to shine through because while I am forever altered, this new self is a good person trying to live now. Different but still kind, affectionate, passionate, loyal, independent, strong, weak, compassionate, faithful, friendly, and emotional.
Another thing about grief loss is how self centered your forced to be. I am the caregiver and problem solver usually. This focus of others to fix or help me is just not normal for me. I do not like that. I prefer to be needed not needy.
I am looking for my certainty, confidence, self-worth, and especially my relevance. Where do you put this major part of you when the person you chose walks away (and yes I know he was not thinking of me, he was mentally in anguish and it was not rational)? Tired of being sad, worthless, and unneeded. The new girl is wanting to try live, to dance, hope, wish, and scarier still dream of happiness. Fake it until you make it seems to be what riding grief waves mean.
What has worked to help me PAUSE and HOPE:
- Painting and Drawing (and no I am not good!)
- Time with friends
- My job
- The trips planned back home
- Reflecting on who I am now and trying to find a balance between strength, weakness, grace, and peace
- The hope that there is something good coming out of tragedy
Some days are harder than others. I try to keep my spirits up. I want to feel anything but down. Take it away for a minute, hour, day. Need me. Let me in. Give me a chance. Show me why I am here.