I had been going through the motions for the last 6 months. Working, therapy, back to yoga, eating out with friends, mainly doing a lot on my own. Forcing myself to go for coffee breaks to see people. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone to my brothers daily who would check in. Texting a friend here or there for support.
The week before the 6 months anniversary I went back to my parents house. I was able to see people I had not seen in a while. My friends there have experienced loss of a similar nature which made me feel like I could ask questions and they understood what I was going through. Some had more experiences with depression and mental health which gave me a safe spot to talk about those topics. I was at home which has become a comfort to me. And, I had a long scheduled appointment with a medium and energy healer that week as well.
Seeing the medium for me was everything. I had no answers until he came through and told me what he had been struggling with. The hour session felt like 4 hours. His presence was obvious. I had not told the medium anything and did not tell her who I hoped would appear either. When he came through it was very clear how he died, where he died, and who we were to each other based on what he showed the medium. He was in intense pain for a very long time. He was not able to use his words to explain what he was going through. He was suffering with internal issues that were nothing to do with me. He loves me and he is sorry he said. He told me to move forward and find happiness again. I am glad to know that he is now ok and pain-free living in heaven. He now knows how great he is and how loved. He has clarity. That is probably what made me feel the most relief. I have the questions answered that I needed. While it does not take the pain away it allowed me closure, acceptance, and hope.
Facebook Post on the 6 month anniversary (after I came back):
6 months ago my life was turned upside down. Not a day goes by where I do not miss him. He has finally been showing himself to me and is sending me messages. I know he is ok and peaceful. I wish we could go back in time and change the outcome but unfortunately that isn’t a possibility. I told him that night I would live for the both of us and I will uphold that promise. Life for me won’t be easy but I will be fine with him watching over me. I am so thankful that I got the advice to see a medium because I have received closure that I could never have gotten without her help. It is what I already knew deep down inside and though it will Never take the pain away from losing him it will help me heal just a little bit.
Loss of a spouse is tough at any age but unexpected loss of a spouse shocks you to the core and changes everything. saying goodbye and that you love that person is pulled away from you.
Our love was special even if it was cut short. I hope I can continue to make him proud and always recall our best memories.
Half a year apart how can it be already?
I have not been sending him as many letters now and stopped putting up tons of Facebook posts. My thoughts have turned more inward in regards to my husband. I decided at around that same time to get moving on the blog. With his death being a suicide I always felt that I was not able to fully share my feelings. I worried that I was not keeping his privacy if I said too much. I worried that most people would not want to know or hear my posts and were ready for me to just get over it. My conversations shifted to the therapist office and to a few people who I text or call and check on me. Those people being there for me have made me continue to move in a positive way. It is not easy at all. But I do try. I have accepted the loss of my husband and I know he won’t ever come back. He is by my side and rooting for me to enter the next phase of my life.
I started to believe in hope for a future for me. And some days it is easier than others to buy into! As a matter of fact I am writing this a month later on Memorial Day weekend. This is a time of thankfulness to those Veteran’s who fought for our freedoms. And also a time of friends, family, picnics, the start of summer fun. For me it has been lonely even though I went to two parties I went alone.
I am homesick and missing my family. I am texting a friend that I would like to be able to hang out with in person. Do you have that friend who helps you see differently and expand your mind? It is not the friend you cry to, it is the friend who helps you move through with laughter, positivity, creativity, and just being there. It is not the friend you thought would be the one to listen or even come to you in this time of grief, but this person helps you in ways they do not even realize. Most of the other people have already stopped checking in with me at this point.
At month 7 my resolve, strength, resiliency is being tested as I navigate the new ocean of Widowhood. My need to be in control has been tested and shifted since the day I found him. Most of what I am doing is navigating a whole new ocean that I have never seen before. Nothing is black and white anymore, there is so much grey.
I am looking forward to a trip home in 3 weeks as I so desperately need some me time. I am very hard on myself to figure everything out quickly. I know that it sounds like a lot of pressure and it is but there are reasons. Talking to another grieving widow she said how she also wants to move forward fast to get past the sadness she is feeling all the time. It is a process anyone grieving would want to move through quicker. I worry if I stay standing here I will not continue to improve and maybe I will get worse… life is short and fragile and fleeting and I worry I will miss something special if I stay stuck.