Letters from Months 3-5 anger, bargaining, depression

1-22-17 3 months and still raw

I cannot fathom how it is 3 months that you are gone. It feels like forever since we touched each other, kissed, heard I love you out of your mouth. But it feels like yesterday that I found you there lifeless. It is the most confusing, difficult, traumatic thing. I cannot explain the waves of hell I feel most daily. The physical and emotional pain is unbearable. I can only imagine yours was way worse as you suffered in silence alone and in pain. I am sorry you felt I was not someone you could open up to. I would have done anything to help you. ANYTHING.
I miss you today and everyday.
I have moved into a new house this past week. We have been busted our butts to get things in order and to also honor you in the meantime. Leaving our house was a must do. It was ours and I will never feel anything more for that space other than that it took you from me. I hated that I had to spend anytime there at all after you left me. I am trying hard to not be afraid but everything about this experience terrifies me so much. If I think about finding you too much; I can get close to a panic attack. I am trying to be gentle with myself but since that was my last image of you it is hard to not try to want to recall it. But the haunting image is the one I wish never to see in my mind, dreams, or life again.
Do you know now that I love you? Does it become clear now how many people are hurt and sad losing you. Do you know how many people wish they could have taken away your pain, been a person you confided in? It has been hardest on you for sure but we all feel pain. We want you back. We love and miss you.

2-18-17 When the Anger had set in…

I am so angry I could not write for a while. I just want to yell at you. How did you not consider me? How did you not know I loved you? How did you not see you were my world? How could you not tell me the issues you were facing? I would have done ANYTHING to give you help.
NOW we both lose each other. Forever. Dead. Forever changed. We lose.
You may be free but I am in torture daily.
WHY when it could have been worked on?
WHY
WHY
WHY
I miss you…
No goals, dreams or hope remain… I’m A Fraction of who I was, barely surviving.

3-7-17 Trying to accept but still shocked

I know I have not written to you as much as I should.
I am having a very hard time with missing you, sadness, loneliness. I worry that you died not knowing how loved you truly are. You meant more to me than anything monetary, the dogs, the cats, or anyone else in my life. I thought I told you and you knew but now everyday I question 11.5 yrs of my actions and words. I am so sorry for my failures.
Things are so hard. I am so TIRED all the time. I fake smile when I have the strength to muster that even.
I put time and effort into the decorating and shopping but it’s just to make sure I keep going. If it was not for the dogs and cats… I don’t think I would get up. It is hard to work a full day.
I am also struggling because I feel like there is a whole part of this that I cannot or won’t talk to out loud the way I probably need to. I am trying to respect your feelings, your privacy, your legacy. Too many do not understand suicide. As much as I read I still struggle to understand your frame of mind. I am so sorry that your time was so dark. I wish I could fix it for you. I wish you would have allowed me in. Told me you were considering hurting yourself that you were dark and in need of help. I would have moved the world to help you. I cannot get past the part that you died not knowing my love for you.
I know you made a comment that I would be fine without you. How wrong you are. I am a mess without you. I am in so much pain.
From my Facebook post:
The steps of grief and loss are like layers in an onion to me. The more layers you deal with (affairs, funerals, donations, anger, blame, guilt, trauma, fear, loneliness, stupid comments) the closer you get to the hard middle. The hard middle part is the true feeling of knowing he is gone forever and he won’t come back and we were both cheated out of many amazing years together. When that is what your left to focus on your true pain and tears come when they want to. This is the worst part.
I know I will never be able to make you proud of me. I failed you.

3-20-17 Time stopped for you.

Today I set my own watch:
Watches have played a role since you passed away. 3 of his 4 watches stopped and needed repairs since he died… The only one that worked was the one he was wearing when he left this earth forever.

Watches… oh it used to piss you off that I could not set my own watch. How I could not feel and hear the click one/ or click two in order to change the date and time. How a smart girl like me cannot set a simple watch on her own….

Today I set my own watch.

3-22-17    5 months…

Today I read through all of the letters that I have sent to you in the past 5 months. There was a resounding theme of wishing it could be different, bargaining, sadness, pain. It is sometimes hard to get through the day but I do my very best to try to keep a nice home, join in things, and honor your memory. You should be here. This should not be the new normal. My mind still has not accepted it fully. You should be here….

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