This is another post of my process which is why I am going back in time to January.
On Friday I accepted the offer to sell the our dream house. Sorry but I would NEVER stay there without you. I told you that when you decided to tell me that I would be better off with a different husband who went out more and the time you said we would be fine without you. You tried to put me on the spot with no surrounding info. You put guilt on me with no context. A guilt I am unlikely to ever get over.
I do not like to see people, go out, be touched with hugs. It is really hard. I am a different person. I will NEVER be the girl you married again. My heart is not able to be repaired. All of my dreams, goals, love was tied up in you. I am not mad do not get this wrong.
I am voraciously reading about Suicide. As much as I can handle before the bad dreams come. I just read one that while helpful broke my heart more. He is a suicide attempt survivor. I wish you were too…
Reading it I missed things that I thought were just you being you but in fact you were depressed. I have not had experience with depression. I have not had experience with people who do not talk about their feelings. The only person I know with a severe depression speaks about it so I did not know. I am so sorry for not seeing it for what it was.
- You slept a lot and had a lot of headaches but you always did so I did not think much of it.
- You pulled back from doing anything with me. I was begging for you to join me in things but you were not really doing anything with me. You pushed me away.
- You seemed distracted in the last few weeks – preoccupied
- You seemed dark in the last few weeks
- You seemed paranoid in the last few weeks
- You seemed to be done with me. I thought you were going to give me divorce papers maybe but not a dead husband.
20/20 Vision is what happens after the occurrence of this type of Trauma and it’s maddening. It makes me sick to my stomach. I replay every single word you have ever spoken to me, 12 yrs of knowing you. I wonder if you were this way as a child but I am so afraid to ask your mom anything.
I know too based on everything that you did not want to die. You were trying to self soothe/heal. You were for a while trying to and hid it.
I believe you like the survivor I read about did not want to die. You wanted to end your pain that was deep inside for so long. Maybe you felt like if you came to me it was a burden but I would give ANYTHING to have you replay this and come to me or anyone for that matter. Your life mattered. You meant everything to me. Maybe I did not say or show you right all the time but do not for one second think I do not feel it. The pain I have is unbearable too but different than yours. I am so sorry you struggled alone in silence. I have help. Maybe you did not know how to talk to me, maybe you felt I would not listen or would judge you. I am sorry if I was not a good wife. I wanted to be nothing more than that. I was ready to settle in and be with you with no more big projects and just enjoy the life we had built..
You cannot handle this type of thing alone, it needed to have a mental health professional and a doctor involved. I should have asked you the right things but I did not know enough, I did not know. I am sorry. So very sorry.
My thinking is you had planned this a while but were ambivalent at the same time. I asked you about things when you seemed off and you backed me off and pushed me away.
The pills- you were taking them without a script – who gave them to you? You were running low and cutting them and withdrawal on those leads to suicidal thoughts and negative thinking. I know this played a role. I found them after.
Me- a person is not enough to keep you alive when the pain you were feeling was so strong … Your loved ones are not a thought to you in those moments is what some say…. however the survivor attempt by Ben was different. He actually waited to see if his wife would call and when she did not he pulled the trigger. It is interesting because it is said that your not typically thinking but as I read from him maybe not in that last/final moment that one is where your wanting pain to end… maybe he just had a different thing going. She had left him and he wanted her back. Perhaps you wanted to escape me as I was another problem for you. You did say my negativity was not good for you once. and then you said i was too positive and everything was always happy. Confusing…. What role did I play. Was it because of me not being what you wanted in a wife? Was I not enough? I think you forget how much I was desperate for your affection, how you pushed me away.
I was there. I was asking maybe not the right way or question but I was trying. I feel like I was given nothing really and I am stuck putting together puzzle pieces to make a whole picture. My guilt I am not supposed to have…. but I have it.
While you may say all the why’s and stuff are speculative, I am smart, I read, I see things at least in hindsight. I think I am pretty close to the truth. The worst part about being a suicide loss survivor is losing the one person you love so much in the world and the guilt you feel for your part in killing the one person you love so much. Talk about a horrible feeling. I am lost at how to move forward.