12-28-17

 I have written many letters to him in the first 5 months after his passing. Some are very short, some are just to say hello, or send a picture, or just to yell. This is the one where I got very real and it shows a lot of my process, the things I was feeling, waves I was riding, and even how it affected my body, sleep, etc. It is not the easiest to read back even for me because I was in a very different place in Dec compared to now in May. This was a critical part of my journey where I got out a lot of feelings to him.

12-28-17

I have so much to tell you lately. I am just going to type and do so fast to try to get it all out. I spent the day today working as best I could and reading a book called Dying to be free written by Kurt Cobain’s cousin Beverly, it is a healing guide for families after a suicide. So not lite reading but I need to do it.
I am trying my best to understand what you may have been feeling. I can only imagine your pain. I think I missed things I should have noticed and for that I am sorry. I know you felt you could not talk to me. I am sorry. I would have loved to help you. I think your the best man I know. If I never said it right or enough then I am sorry. You are so cute and funny and your smile was the best I have ever seen. Your eyes so blue and you made me so happy when you would look my way. I was the luckiest girl until the day I lost you to suicide. I wish I could turn back time and be less busy and more supportive so you could have felt like talking to me.
My stomach is a mess these days, my body is not right. Everything hurts.
I am constantly exhausted and I get out of bed but I really do not want to. I shower everyday so I am not weird widow girl.
My Mom and Dad miss you so much I worry for their health. We cry a lot. I am at their house with the dogs and have been for a while. I will not go back to the other house until I have to and that will just be for the week to pack it up and get out. I hate that place. It is cursed, confining, and claustrophobic with tainted memories.
Your mom is missing you I got her a nice necklace for Christmas engraved with your name on it. I think she loved it although our tears were so extensive I cannot say what it looked like on her. Your mom and dad purchased a Pandora charm for me for Christmas and it was “from you” It said for my “beautiful wife forever and always”. They felt like it was something you would want me to have. I think that is the point that I lost my mind. The despair, the heartache, the pain. The tremendous loss missing not just my husband but my best friend, lover, hero.
I found out about the smoker. your wonderful I am so happy you did that for him. I just wish you could show him how to use it. He was so moved by this. I am not shocked you are the most giving man I know. I just wish you had let him or one of us in so you could continue being the amazing man on earth that you are surely in Heaven.
I hope you understand I never wanted to do anything without you. I do not want to have a house, 5 animals, 2 cars, a job, friends, picnics, bbq, breakfast, coffee anything without you. YOU WERE ALL I WANTED. US together, our future enjoying the pool, the house, the fire, the tub together. the calm of the winter in our space. That was so what I was looking forward to. We were going to build fires and swim together for many years. When did you decide that you did not want that or me or us or life?
I did not give you enough and I lost you because of it. I know you were hurting now and that it was not about me but I also think I did not tell you enough that I want you, need you, love you. I may have said it but did I not show it enough? I should have dropped everything and just been with you. None of the other stuff mattered. I miss you tremendously.
I am researching and reading. I am trying to find the knowledge to begin to possibly understand your pain, to begin to maybe someday consider forgiving myself for my part in your suicide, to maybe be ok sometime in the distant future.
It is difficult to believe how solitary this act is. The writers say you only think of yourself and not how it will affect your family.  You think of your pain and despair. They say you did not want to die just stop hurting and that you felt like a burden and that your family would be better off without you.
Oh baby I just wish we could have talked. If me, the job, the stress of the house or anything could have been a factor we could have fixed it. If you family stress was a factor we could have fixed it. I would have been your biggest helper to get you counseling/meds. I would have helped you. I would have done anything to have you be here. I wish I could know your ok.
T went to a medium. Did you come through with Nonnie? I want to believe it so badly. Because he said you are ok, in heaven, with Nonnie holding her hand. That I should not feel guilty that you had things in your mind. Was this you?
Scared, I admit I am afraid of so much right now. The unknown of your mind. The things I may have missed because I was selfish and did not mean to be or know. The fact that T maybe did hear from you. The fact that he may not have is even more scary. The fact that others get signs and I have not gotten one. The fact that a sign could come and it may be mean or scary. That maybe you are mad at me or wanted out. I know I go back and forth on what I read and then when I can comprehend. On one hand I know it is not my fault on another hand it feels like I missed signs, or did not provide emotional support you needed. Life is once, that is scary because I cannot ask for a redo. You can’t come back so I can do better.
Sorry, Mainly I am just sorry that you were in pain. Sorry that you were in turmoil. Sorry that you had to kill yourself. That must have been so scary. You went this whole battle alone and then you masked it. Sorry that you felt the need to deceive instead of get help. I am sorry for all of it. I will always feel sad, guilt, sorry, sorrow, despair, helpless.
All I would want to tell you is I LOVE YOU and ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL. YOU ARE THE BEST MAN AND ALWAYS WILL BE! I wanted nothing more than you. I wanted to connect with you all the time. I was so scared to let my guard down sometimes to let you know I guess. You did not always make it easy to approach you.
I wish I could say the right things then and now. All I have is I never wanted this. I hate the life I am forced into. I want you back and I want another chance. I want to get you help. It is too late. I cannot get those things. So all I will do is remember you and love you intensely and try to understand the unnatural, difficult experience you were dealing with. Because to love you is to want to know you are ok. I will try to be sure you are pain-free and ok now. I will not cry for my shitty life I got dealt but rather for the fact that you did not get to live yours and the short time you had you were in excruciating pain.
I miss you.

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