Lost Still, Love & Letters Month 2

Your waves come in and out so fast that sometimes even a few moments apart your letters look like two different people wrote them. You can see that from the two on 12-11-16. That week was when things were coming at me from all directions. I had come back to the our house from my parents so there was a lot of intense emotions. I was struggling and worrying about moving. I am sharing the past letters because my hope is you can see my progress as the months pass and the therapy takes shape. The work I put in has allowed me to even re-read these and post them.
I meet to get our dream home on the market tomorrow. I am so sorry but I could never be here without you. I am so sorry I did not make you happy enough to stay with me. I miss you so very much. My heart is broken open. I am going to do the suggested EMDR therapy tomorrow in the hopes to be less afraid at night and of the images of your body. I am so afraid. I replay everything.  I love you and miss you.
Today I saw a couple of homes. I worry to make the wrong choice for the dogs and me. I think I will have to make the choice with myself in mind and hope the dogs like it 🙂
The one house has two downstairs bedrooms to allow our parents to come by and stay easier. However the yard is small.
The other house is under an acre barely and in the other subdivision.
Which should I go with?
Last night I tried to tell you something. I literally stopped myself in my tracts as I was saying it out loud. I do not recall what it was but how stupid I cannot tell you now. It is maddening.
I demanded to go first I told you this. Why don’t you ever send me a warm feeling or happiness. Are you mad at me? You left so fast and so completely.
I signed the documentation to put our house on the market yesterday. Our dream home means nothing without you. It is a reminder of you dying there, you not being happy and in turmoil. I would never want to keep it. I will miss the land, the creek, and the fireplace for sure. I will miss you in it. But I will not miss the horrifying experience of searching for you. The worse experience of my life was finding you. I placed an offer on a new place but really could not care less what happens.
I miss you and nothing will ever be right again.
This has been so hard. My heart is broken into A million or more pieces. I feel bad for you not for my pain. I want to help and take your pain away. I wish I could have known. I love you so much and the hardest thing is to know that I did not help you, save you, know you were hurting. In a million letters I could not explain enough my love for you. I never knew one could hurt as much as I feel the pain. I never know that one could cry one second and remind oneself of the amazing man you were the next, only to cry full tears the following second.
I cannot possibly have told you right how much I love you because having lost you I feel so much deep pain that I do not think a person has the words to even explain in times of love.
Your presence is not felt which I am sad for because I want to know that you are seeing me, my pain, and that you know without any doubt that the love I have for you was and is so extremely deep. I would give ANYTHING to turn back time, to have you back but we know bargaining is BS, just like ANGER. it cannot ever happen it will not ever work. The fact is I am saying it so you HEAR it. It is no BS. I love you and have loved you more every day since the day I met you. I miss you and have missed you more with every day that you are gone. No matter what I was capable of showing you in this life or what you were capable of comprehending. I promise and swear on my life and those of everyone I know that I know what true love is and feels like and I know you were and are the one and it for me the truest of truest of loves. I do not know if one can even fathom true love to the degree I feel without having lost it. But what I do know is no one can explain it the way that I see it now because with loss I feel the most enormous hole in my heart and the deepest physical pain in my chest. I love you and have loved you and will intensely love you ALL the days I have left.
You are amazing and you are my truest love.
Later on 12-11-16
I feel like I have to lie about how I feel but you can’t make me lie. So I’ll tell you I HATE my life so much since your gone. Sure I get up and shower and put on a happy face. But I truly hate it. It is the worst life. Finding you dead because let’s face it I did not make you happy. Dealing w arrangements and thank you notes it’s all distracting everyone from the truth. My life is hell on earth since finding and losing you. My job as a wife is done and I failed so badly. I’m 35(now 36) yr old widow. My husband chose to leave without saying anything to me. Not a note or kiss or anything.
My life is hell and I hate it and no one can tell me anything to change my mind.
If God sends me to heaven my only worry is for our fur babies won’t have anyone to care for them. I’ll get my will done so I can be sure that someone will feed them. in case God should decide that I don’t need to wake up.
It sure would make it easier if I didn’t because living this hell is so painfully excruciating.
I saw you in the dream last name in the kitchen alive with your blue eyes and black jacket. Was that you? Or just my imagination? Come by again if it’s you
We had our cousin dinner this year at my brother’s house. I sure hope you saw him smoking meats on the Traeger.  He promised he sprayed the meat every 30 mins w Shiner.
They were nice to set you a place at the table. I think I got your raffle gift (Budweiser BBQ Sauces). I found that to be ironic….
Here is a picture of the Meat it was really good. I think you would have been happy with it. Also your spot at the table right next to me. Don’t worry I scratched your scratch offs we were the big L twice DOUBLE L !!
We missed you being there. It was a big empty hole. My heart is broken and misses you every single moment of every single day.

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