The blaming myself for missing things, the blaming myself for not being a spouse he could go to and confide in, the blaming myself for not being sensitive enough, the blaming myself for being the reason he killed himself…. oh it started almost immediately. You can probably see in the first months letters how confused and unsure I was and 7 months in I fall back to this every so often.
The blame game stops your progress, it does not bring him back, it creates more pain and suffering. The guilt is inevitable in grief and loss and certainly even more so in suicide loss. It is part of the unfortunate journey that you have to take.
When you have no answers and it feels like the carpet was ripped from under the soles of your feet you have nothing to tell you not to blame yourself. When you are in such SHOCK and DISBELIEF all you do is BLAME yourself. Guilt piles on and weighs you down and will pull you into a dark place if you let it fester and take hold.
Continue to speak to positive people and surround yourself with love. Get therapy to help you with the images, words spoken, and words not spoken. Forgive yourself for not knowing something that this person hid so well from you.
People will tell you that depression and suicide is not your fault and they will be correct in saying so. I started to read books on both topics in the December timeframe to try to understand more about these areas. I was by no means an expert on the subject matter but I quickly read a lot to try to put myself in my husband’s shoes. A man with so many good things (job, car, home, fur kids, wife, love, a bright future, young, healthy) took his life one night while his wife was not in the home. He ended our relationship without a word, note, or goodbye. So blame and guilt took over for a good while. Every book I read said that suicide and depression is never about one thing, it is usually things building over time and not being handled, and it is often that the person who completes suicide did not even consider those around them and how it would make them feel. They simply feel the world would be better off without them in it.
This is a process that you will go through for the time it takes and no one can rush it. It is part of your new reality and another large wave that you will surf over and over.