Love, Loss, & Letters in the First Month

Writing started very soon after his passing. Mainly the writings were in the form of emails to him. I will copy and paste some of the excerpts here to show you where my mind was. I will tell you I was all over the place riding waves.

10-30-16

We cannot function without you here in this house. The dog bit the guy that came to fix our GAS leak! He is so upset trying to protect your home and me. He just doesn’t know what to do. I cannot handle it I am breaking apart. My heart is beating too fast. What else can God throw my way. He took you the love of my life and now this too. I love you I am not mad but I am so sad and so disappointed. I wish you were here.

10-31-16
Today was hard dealing with your finances. I never wanted to see any of this stuff I thought it would be for our kids, nieces, nephews, something.
I was never expecting I needed to be an “adult” so soon.
Your mom and dad are sad too. Your dad thinks someone came in and hurt you. I don’t get this at all. Do you know how much I love you how I would do anything for you?
How sad I truly am. How much I need and miss you. I cannot put into words how empty I am how hard it hurts my heart. It is a physical pain. A big huge void.
I miss you and want you to know the only thing I ever wanted was to grow old with you and I love you. So much. More than I can possibly share with anyone in words. I am so deeply pained and sad.
11-2-16
Everything we do reminds us of you. Tonight we had naan pizzas with both sets of parents. It is crazy to think how much bonding of our families is happening while we miss you severely. I only wish you could be there to see our dads hanging out and our moms working together in the great kitchen. I am fighting hard to make sense of something so senseless. It does not get any easier the pain in my heart hurts.
I hope I did not miss something you were trying to tell me. I valued every moment with you and no matter what you were going through I love you more than words.
I miss you, I hope you know and see the love we have for you. I am scared alone at nights. I need people to stay with me.
How is it where you are? I assume its heaven. Did you find our family?
11-5-16
Today your mom and dad went home. I really worry about how they will be. I was sure to walk them on the line and make sure they were ok. I have been setting aside your things to be sure they all have something they want. It is so hard.
Please know how much I miss and love you my heart is so broken. I have stayed strong so people probably think I am ok. But I’m so lonely and sad without your being here.
Tomorrow is your birthday and mom dad and I will be hanging by your ashes and the house to spend it with you.
I will go away from our house for some time to try to grieve more and attempt to figure out how to live.
Love you baby happy birthday 🎉🎈🎁
11-6-16
Happy Birthday,
We celebrated you today with cupcakes and a lot of people who love you so much,
We sang happy birthday for you I hope you heard my off key singing.
The dogs are a little worried because tomorrow I am going to go to moms for a break from here.
I told them they are coming but they are even more clingy than yesterday.
We are all missing you so much. Nights are the worst times. Everyone wishes you were here. I hope they smoke meat for birthdays in heaven.
With love on your birthday,
Wifey!!
11-9-16
I wish I understood more. I wish you had just said. I would have done anything to help you. I would have set you free if it was me. I would have the house and got us a trailer in a trailer park. We all miss you severely. Seeing that you were researching negative thoughts and passive aggression made me more frustrated to be honest. It feels like you knew that something was amiss. Why didn’t you come to me. Give me a chance? Go to anyone. Leaving me like this. It is so painful. It is mostly painful because I worry if you were in pain when you died. I worry how much emotional turmoil you had and how long for that you would do this. I worry that you never really loved me, wished you did not join me in marriage. I worry that every minute of 12 years was only causing you pain.
I worry you would have been happier without me. I worry that I did not see the signs. I worry I did not take seriously the snide comments. I worry you did not know how much I love you. I worry you did not know that I would have done ANYTHING to keep you ALIVE even if it meant giving up on our marriage.
Why? Are you ok? Are you happier now? Do you see me? Do you ever check in on me? Or do you hate me so very much that you are disgusted by the site of me?
I will say again I love you more than anything and I wanted to be with you for another 60 years. I miss you.
11-11-16
So much to worry about to get this done have 11 days left to closing. I am still at moms. I pretty much stay in the one room with the bed as much as they will let me and work and sleep here. I come out to pretend to watch tv. Usually I am just visualizing walking through our home at night until I find you there at 12:55 desperately trying to get you down, calling 911. I try to block it out but the reality is that is my TRUE last memory of you.
I try very hard to replay our last week together to recall the last words spoken. I so wish I could recall every one of them. Did you tell me you love me Friday before you left?
I think I am upsetting people by not wanting to go out, see people, or hear that it is not my fault at all. It is my fault to some degree. I knew you had some issues and I should have pushed you to see the counselor again or find you a better one. I always assumed it was simple anxiety. I never realized until too late that it is actually depression.  Hindsight is 20/20.
I would have done anything to help you. I would have let you go free, I would have found you a hospital, I would have cut you off from negative people.
I just hope my crazy way of just dealing with crap right away and yelling about it and then getting over it did not make you feel worse. I do not hold things in. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my emotions too.
Inside you had to be in turmoil. I cannot control how you felt about what I would tell you, what you were able to hear that I said, how you interpreted things. But I can tell you now in case you can hear/see me. I LOVED YOU and STILL LOVE YOU. You are my guy the one I chose. I would have done anything to help you. I wanted to be with you for another 60 years. Please know how much you mean to me.
Later that day 11-11-16
I just miss you that’s all. My tears keep coming and I feel so sad all the time. I’m broken without you and I just wanted to say I love you. I am not mad. I feel only sadness for your pain and if I caused any please know how sorry I am. I love you so much. I wish you would come back to me. I miss everything your smile your jokes your kind voice. I’m sad that I cannot hear your voice anymore. I miss you
11-12-16
Hi honey I love you that’s all there really is!! I have checked in w mom and dad and sisters and we are all  hurting without you there but we are trying!!
We miss you to pieces. You are the light in our world and we continue to tell your stories.
You are so sorrowfully missed.
I will be putting our dream house on the market soon. I think someone will really enjoy the love we put into the space and the dreams in our hearts when we created it.
I am sorry that I am not strong enough to stay. Forgive me but my heart is too weak. It was only a house and you made it a home. Without you it’s bricks and wood.
I’m working on a tattoo for my arm and I hope you like it.
Forever yours – wifey
11-14-16
You are so loved, respected and missed. Everyone you met you made a better person. Your heart was so big. No one will ever compare to you.
I hope you hear us crying and know our despair. We miss you.
11-15-16
It’s so hard to function alone in all of this. So much work.
I think you were sad a long time. I wish I had known.
Everyone loves you and misses you we all cry daily.
Would you have done it different? Would you have confided in me? You could have told me anything. Do you miss me our fur kids? Our little world of crazy? We miss you so much. I wanted to go to our cafe for coffee and food in the morning.
Can you show me a sign you are ok and that you love me?
I need a sign to know.
Missing you more than anything the tears keep coming and I am so Sad.
Your Wifey that I thought you loved?
11-20-16
We all had some dinner tonight. The cousins. It was so sad. An empty chair waiting for you to sit in it. The guys wanted so badly to see you. It was very hard to find joy eating food when I would have loved to eat with you.
The Sheriffs Office is a mess. I got your reports back and they did not do any autopsy. I have no control over anything that has happened to you or me right now. It is one disappointment one sadness and one more area of no closure each time I step forward.
My heart wants answers I will never have. I want to know you knew I love you. I want to know you knew how much everyone loved you. I want to know that not every day hurt you but I worry it did. I am so sorry for me failing you.
with tears and love.
11-22-16
Today we let it go. Our first house is sold. I told you we had it. I hope this did not add to your pain and suffering. I hope I told you the right things about it all being ok. I know I was the type to put it out there when things bothered me. It was never you. I would get it off my chest and move on. I love you so much and I hope you know it was never anything you were doing wrong…

One thought on “Love, Loss, & Letters in the First Month

  1. I wanted to comment here the first time I read this post, but I couldn’t see for tears. Our losses are so different and yet so similar. The what if’s and guilt still torture me to this day. I’m working very hard on accepting the theory that I did all I could, I am human, I miss things, I can only do so much…so on and so forth. But there’s so many unanswered questions – what if I had…should I have…would things have been different if…
    The T tells me that he wouldn’t want me to torture myself with those questions for the rest of my life. She’s right…but at the same time, how can you not wonder?
    When you talk about how he felt when he went, did he hurt, did he feel alone… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered the same. I prayed it was fast. I prayed it was done and he was in Heaven. Maybe I’m naive for hoping these things? But I know it’s torture to think about and the only reprieve I can give myself is hoping these things…

    Like

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