When you are in your 30’s you simply do not think about preparing a service for your beloved spouse. You never think about what you would do in this situation. Who do you call first? What do you do next? How do you get off the ground?
You know you need to start making the calls. You need to call everyone who last saw him and understand what he had been like. You need to get every story and put together the timeline before his passing. You need to search the house for a suicide note you will never find because one did not exist. You need to snoop on your husband and read his journals and emails but none of them will contain what you are after. You need to get off the floor. You need to let go of your friend’s hand because you have been gripping it too tight for so long. You enter TASK MODE.
The questions and preparations do not stop from the moment you find him.
You call family and close friends first. Then onto the timeline speaking to his boss, colleagues, etc. Then you have to tell people he knew whom you have met once at a your wedding and some you never have met. The share amount of calls is overwhelming but there is also no rulebook on what to say and how to say it and who should say it. Now in shock yourself you are trying to hold up each person who has now been told that one of the best people in the world, their special person, is gone. EXHAUSTION
Services need planning and your determined to do it perfectly and honor this amazing and wonderful man.
- What type of service?
- Who will speak?
- Burial or Cremation?
- Music and photo’s?
- Prayers and readings
- The Eulogy you know you must write and read yourself
I was very lucky to be guided by a very kind funeral director and a wonderful Reverend. RESOURCES
Soon it is onto the rest of the tasks that will burden you for days, weeks, months and maybe even years to come:
- Police reports
- Alerting his credit card company and getting a copy of his last statement to scrutinize
- Contacting health insurance and doctors for any clues
And then you have to do the hardest thing of all it is not a TASK it is dealing with the GRIEF and LOSS that is slowing weighing down on you. You know if you stop doing it will overtake you. People try to feed you and you are choking so much you almost throw up. For the two weeks you barely consume anything. You surround yourself with your army of family and friends but you have never felt more ALONE. You are SCARED and in the home he died in. You cannot sleep. The TRAUMA has started to swarm you and the bad images have paralyzed you already. You know then you will need to sell this house and get away soon before you can no longer move.
YOU CRY and SCREAM and you hold your dogs tightly to feel someone love you. You miss him and it is taking over. You feel like it is a nightmare and you will wake up but the nightmare continues. You are so down right now that me saying you will be ok, you will get through it, well I would not have listened to me either… But you will and you do. You promised him “I will live for both of us now”. You will keep your word to him like you kept your love for him.